I'm not weighing myself anymore, I haven't in about a month. Its kind of hard to believe since its been years since I've gone more than a week without weighing in.
I've been a little tummy-sick since getting back from the honeymoon. Yesterday morning I ran a nice hilly two-mile loop but the last quarter-mile was terrible, because I had nausea and stomach cramps. I thought for sure I was going to vomit (or worse) but somehow I made it home.
This morning I cleaned the kitchen and walked my dog instead of running. My house is a total wreck. My in-laws stayed with us the week preceding the wedding and, well, let's just say there's alot to do in the wake of them, the wedding preparations, and then giant piles of presents and luggage descending immediately after the honeymoon didn't help either. Its so crazy at home that I can hardly stand it, and I am by no means a neat freak.
One strange thing has happened: when I was in New Zealand, the last hotel we stayed at (three days) had a breakfast buffet with locally made, fresh yogurt. It was unsweetened but surprisingly good. Since we got back, I decided to buy a container of my favorite yogurt, Stonyfield's lowfat, and instead of sweetening it with Splenda and vanilla like I normally would, I left it plain. I've been adding to it my normal fresh raspberries and granola (Kashi) and lo and behold-- I don't even miss the sweet!
I had that for breakfast. For lunch, two cups of leftover pasta (gemelli, lowfat alfredo sauce, peas, pancetta) and two cups of watermelon chunks. Now, granted, the watermelon chunks are kinda "wet" but since they weren't juice, I would guess they don't break any band rules. But I totally ate FOUR CUPS of lunch today. With a band at full fill. Seriously. And I will almost certainly be hungry in midafternoon for a snack.
I'm almost back to normal on my sleep schedule, too, which will help some with the appetite. But lord, I don't know if the diahrrea or what, I have been very hungry since I got back from the honeymoon.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
i'm back
Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since February. March was a busy month for me. We got married on the 22nd of March. Just got back from the honeymoon this weekend and I've been jetlagged. Thanks for worrying after me, Sarah.
Well, where am I with my band?
I can't say for sure. I had debiltating amounts of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the wedding. I had a crisis of self-esteem and I asked my now-husband to hide the scale, which he did. I bought a book called Intuitive Eating, recommended to me by someone that is decidedly anti-diet. I read it in those last few weeks, trying really hard to give myself some way to not hate my body. Some way to not feel disgusting and fat in my wedding dress, ashamed of myself and burdened by it. I didn't even really try to do what they suggested, beyond telling myself I am not bad, deficient, unlovable as a person because of what I do or don't eat. I didn't really try to eat intuitively or give up on the band, I just tried to stop hurting myself.
I'm not going to say it "worked," because I felt conflicted the whole day, and still do. Some parts I really enjoyed. Others-- for example, being photographed and then having to look at those photos later-- were excruciating for me. I am still deeply ashamed of myself for how fat I am in that wedding dress. I didn't want it to be like that. I really got my hopes up after the band and engagement, thinking I would roll down the aisle much thinner than that. But I still have good memories, happy feelings. They are just, unfortunately, mixed with the bad.
I don't know what to do about the band. M and I discussed it some while we were away on the honeymoon (two amazing weeks in Fiji and New Zealand). His suggestions inluded: go back to Dr. Ortiz, join the Emory support group, find a local therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to work through some of my emotional food issues, reread the book and give the Intuitive Eating method a for-serious try. I have no idea what I am going to do next. I am too tired to think about it.
Well, that's not true. Tomorrow morning I am going to get up and run. I am going to walk my dog. I am going to shower, and go back to work for the first time in three weeks. I am going to eat when I am hungry and tell myself that its perfectly fine. That I am a lovable, worthwhile person at a size 16/18. After that I am not sure yet. I just really want to get to a place where I am free of the self-loathing, where I can accept my body. I had hoped I could do those things just by losing the weight I want to lose. But it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
Well, where am I with my band?
I can't say for sure. I had debiltating amounts of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the wedding. I had a crisis of self-esteem and I asked my now-husband to hide the scale, which he did. I bought a book called Intuitive Eating, recommended to me by someone that is decidedly anti-diet. I read it in those last few weeks, trying really hard to give myself some way to not hate my body. Some way to not feel disgusting and fat in my wedding dress, ashamed of myself and burdened by it. I didn't even really try to do what they suggested, beyond telling myself I am not bad, deficient, unlovable as a person because of what I do or don't eat. I didn't really try to eat intuitively or give up on the band, I just tried to stop hurting myself.
I'm not going to say it "worked," because I felt conflicted the whole day, and still do. Some parts I really enjoyed. Others-- for example, being photographed and then having to look at those photos later-- were excruciating for me. I am still deeply ashamed of myself for how fat I am in that wedding dress. I didn't want it to be like that. I really got my hopes up after the band and engagement, thinking I would roll down the aisle much thinner than that. But I still have good memories, happy feelings. They are just, unfortunately, mixed with the bad.
I don't know what to do about the band. M and I discussed it some while we were away on the honeymoon (two amazing weeks in Fiji and New Zealand). His suggestions inluded: go back to Dr. Ortiz, join the Emory support group, find a local therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to work through some of my emotional food issues, reread the book and give the Intuitive Eating method a for-serious try. I have no idea what I am going to do next. I am too tired to think about it.
Well, that's not true. Tomorrow morning I am going to get up and run. I am going to walk my dog. I am going to shower, and go back to work for the first time in three weeks. I am going to eat when I am hungry and tell myself that its perfectly fine. That I am a lovable, worthwhile person at a size 16/18. After that I am not sure yet. I just really want to get to a place where I am free of the self-loathing, where I can accept my body. I had hoped I could do those things just by losing the weight I want to lose. But it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
Monday, February 25, 2008
why does my band hate me?
I mean, seriously.
Today I had coffee for breakfast (Splenda, a wee pour of no-sugar creamer) and then a salad for lunch. I am trying for a little bit of South Beach action this week since bread is really the only thing left that disagrees with my band, and its not any good for me anyway. So I packed 4 cups of lettuce, cukes, 1.5 oz of lean turkey and ham lunch meat, 1.5 oz of lowfat provolone, and 2 Tbsp of Ken's Steakhouse light balsamic vinaigrette (50 cals for 2 Tbsp).
I ate the whole f#%$ing thing.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
I didn't break any band rules. I hadn't had a sip of water or coffee since about at hour prior to lunch, and surely didn't have any at lunch. I ate slowly and chewed well, sure, but I didn't go to any special efforts. I feel comfortable now, but at no point did I feel full. I finished inside of about 30 minutes, with time in between bites spent talking to my two girlfriends at work that I lunch with every day.
Why should I feel so terrible about eating such a virtuous lunch? Because I should be getting full on WAY LESS THAN THAT. I have FOUR CCS in my FOUR CC band. I only really feel restriction first thing in the morning anymore, and breakfast was never a dangerous meal for me. I emailed the OCC and they told me to come in for a follwup. I can't afford the time OR money to fly to San Diego right now. I need another fill, obviously, but I'm not sure my fill nurse will give it to me. I am so at the bottom of the abyss when it comes to willpower right now because I have staggering amounts of anxiety about my imending wedding. And I hate myself with a white-hot heat for not losing any weight before wedding like every other woman on the planet manages to do. I don't understand what's wrong with me.
Today I had coffee for breakfast (Splenda, a wee pour of no-sugar creamer) and then a salad for lunch. I am trying for a little bit of South Beach action this week since bread is really the only thing left that disagrees with my band, and its not any good for me anyway. So I packed 4 cups of lettuce, cukes, 1.5 oz of lean turkey and ham lunch meat, 1.5 oz of lowfat provolone, and 2 Tbsp of Ken's Steakhouse light balsamic vinaigrette (50 cals for 2 Tbsp).
I ate the whole f#%$ing thing.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
I didn't break any band rules. I hadn't had a sip of water or coffee since about at hour prior to lunch, and surely didn't have any at lunch. I ate slowly and chewed well, sure, but I didn't go to any special efforts. I feel comfortable now, but at no point did I feel full. I finished inside of about 30 minutes, with time in between bites spent talking to my two girlfriends at work that I lunch with every day.
Why should I feel so terrible about eating such a virtuous lunch? Because I should be getting full on WAY LESS THAN THAT. I have FOUR CCS in my FOUR CC band. I only really feel restriction first thing in the morning anymore, and breakfast was never a dangerous meal for me. I emailed the OCC and they told me to come in for a follwup. I can't afford the time OR money to fly to San Diego right now. I need another fill, obviously, but I'm not sure my fill nurse will give it to me. I am so at the bottom of the abyss when it comes to willpower right now because I have staggering amounts of anxiety about my imending wedding. And I hate myself with a white-hot heat for not losing any weight before wedding like every other woman on the planet manages to do. I don't understand what's wrong with me.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
i really just can't
I haven't weighed myself in a week and I really just can't. I am seriously considering throwing out the scale.
I've been in an incredible funk that I haven't even really been able to vocalize.
My sister, who has always been exceptionally petite, has lost 26 lbs in the last three months. Basically, she was inspired by the fact that she had to order a size 8 dress to wear in my wedding. So she cut down her already very, very ascetic vegetarian diet even more. Swapped out her regular Cokes for a couple diet sodas. Ate even less than before. And lost 26 lbs in three months.
Three months in which I had a lap band. That I paid $10,000 to have surgically implanted inside my body. And my fat ass still weighs the same. I cannot explain how much I hate myself. I am so depressed I can't even make myself go through the motions of life. I basically did nothing all weekend but hide from the world and eat. I hate myself, I can't stand to even think about my upcoming wedding, and everything-- from my weight to the wedding to a stupid work-related trip to Chicago I have to take today-- fills me with incredible anxiety and dread. I have slept very little and had a constant, unrelenting headache since last Thursday. I am so miserable that I don't know what to do. I should be happy right now. But I'm not. Because I don't deserve to be.
I made and ate an entire pan of brownies this weekend. Also a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese. And cereal with milk. I don't even care anymore. It doesn't even matter.
I've been in an incredible funk that I haven't even really been able to vocalize.
My sister, who has always been exceptionally petite, has lost 26 lbs in the last three months. Basically, she was inspired by the fact that she had to order a size 8 dress to wear in my wedding. So she cut down her already very, very ascetic vegetarian diet even more. Swapped out her regular Cokes for a couple diet sodas. Ate even less than before. And lost 26 lbs in three months.
Three months in which I had a lap band. That I paid $10,000 to have surgically implanted inside my body. And my fat ass still weighs the same. I cannot explain how much I hate myself. I am so depressed I can't even make myself go through the motions of life. I basically did nothing all weekend but hide from the world and eat. I hate myself, I can't stand to even think about my upcoming wedding, and everything-- from my weight to the wedding to a stupid work-related trip to Chicago I have to take today-- fills me with incredible anxiety and dread. I have slept very little and had a constant, unrelenting headache since last Thursday. I am so miserable that I don't know what to do. I should be happy right now. But I'm not. Because I don't deserve to be.
I made and ate an entire pan of brownies this weekend. Also a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese. And cereal with milk. I don't even care anymore. It doesn't even matter.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
still frustrated
218.0
My fiancee M got on a plane headed to Japan today. He has been "at home"-- making "at home" pay, which is minimal-- for a very long stretch, almost two months. We have only 38 days until the wedding, and he needed to get another job done before the wedding, for budgetary reasons. However, as his jobs typically last 3 to 5 weeks, we were hoping it would not be scrunched up so close to the wedding date itself. Japan is looking like it might only require two weeks of his time, but he might get sent out to another job that is "on fire" in Congo right after. We'll see.
In any case, I am sad to see him go, sad to have this giant mountain of wedding work in front me to conquer all on my own. But, that is life. Its his job, and I deal with it.
Today I am wearing another new wardrobe component from Lands' End: this sweater twinset in lavender with some grey pants I already own, belted because they are big on me.
This morning I ran the same 3-mile loop that I ran last week and felt so good about. Instead of doing it in 42 minutes (like last week), I did it in 46 minutes. And it was low 50's, breezy, humid. In other words: excellent running weather. I was plenty awake, as I embarked on my run at 6:30 a.m. after an hourlong round-trip to drop M at the airport-- we'd been up since a quarter to 5:00. I've been doing plenty of running in between. Is it that I am a whole 1.4 lbs fatter and that is slowing me down? Is my brain telling me I'm fatter and therefore I need to slow down? Was it just my melancholy mood throwing me off?
Yesterday I had a breakfast bar and a cup of coffee, some Morningstar Farm buffalo bites with cucumber, tomatoes, and light blue cheese dressing for lunch, a banana around 3:00 p.m., leftover pot roast for dinner, and some light ice cream later with M. All reasonable, healthy amounts. In fact lunch was pretty small.
My challenge for today is to NOT go home and eat a bucket of mashed potatoes and the rest of the container of ice cream feeling sorry for myself.
My fiancee M got on a plane headed to Japan today. He has been "at home"-- making "at home" pay, which is minimal-- for a very long stretch, almost two months. We have only 38 days until the wedding, and he needed to get another job done before the wedding, for budgetary reasons. However, as his jobs typically last 3 to 5 weeks, we were hoping it would not be scrunched up so close to the wedding date itself. Japan is looking like it might only require two weeks of his time, but he might get sent out to another job that is "on fire" in Congo right after. We'll see.
In any case, I am sad to see him go, sad to have this giant mountain of wedding work in front me to conquer all on my own. But, that is life. Its his job, and I deal with it.
Today I am wearing another new wardrobe component from Lands' End: this sweater twinset in lavender with some grey pants I already own, belted because they are big on me.
This morning I ran the same 3-mile loop that I ran last week and felt so good about. Instead of doing it in 42 minutes (like last week), I did it in 46 minutes. And it was low 50's, breezy, humid. In other words: excellent running weather. I was plenty awake, as I embarked on my run at 6:30 a.m. after an hourlong round-trip to drop M at the airport-- we'd been up since a quarter to 5:00. I've been doing plenty of running in between. Is it that I am a whole 1.4 lbs fatter and that is slowing me down? Is my brain telling me I'm fatter and therefore I need to slow down? Was it just my melancholy mood throwing me off?
Yesterday I had a breakfast bar and a cup of coffee, some Morningstar Farm buffalo bites with cucumber, tomatoes, and light blue cheese dressing for lunch, a banana around 3:00 p.m., leftover pot roast for dinner, and some light ice cream later with M. All reasonable, healthy amounts. In fact lunch was pretty small.
My challenge for today is to NOT go home and eat a bucket of mashed potatoes and the rest of the container of ice cream feeling sorry for myself.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
please kill me
218.8
*bangs head on desk-- viciously*
I'm so upset about this I don't even really want to discuss it. I worked really freaking hard last week. Really hard.
This weekend was a little tougher. I overslept Saturday and missed my 3.5-mile run (not a huge deal). My fiancee came home Saturday at lunch time, so I picked him up at the airport and since we were out and about, we stopped at Chipotle for lunch and I had the top "half" of a burrito bowl (mostly the chicken, salsa, cheese, and beans-- ignored most of the rice). Ravioli for dinner (I don't know why, but it was gross). Root beer floats made with Diet Barq's and Edy's Light vanilla for dessert. Sunday: breakfast bar, Panera black bean soup and half a turkey sandwich, pot roast with mashed potatoes for dinner, "diet" root beer floats.
Monday morning: short run and disastrous weigh-in.
Okay, I could have been way, way more virtuous over the weekend. Could have left the cheese off my burrito bowl, could have had something less heavy than pasta for dinner Saturday, could have skipped the not-band-friendly ice cream, could have avoided the against-bandster-rules soup at lunch on Sunday, could have prepared something more virtuous than pot roast for Sunday dinner.
But seriously. That not only did away with the previous week's good behavior but slapped an extra 1.4 pounds on my ass? What the hell?!
I don't want to talk about it.
My wardrobe has been in sad shape recently. I was banded last August, but I had been researching and pondering the possibilities for months before that. And I was really convinced that this would work for me, so even before we left to go get the band put in, I decided to stop buying new clothes for a while, and live with what I have. Because surely, by February 22nd-- my 6-month "bandiversary"-- I would be rocking a much smaller size. What would be the sense in investing a lot of money in clothes that I was soon going to "shrink out of"?
Hah. Sadly, in those 6 months it appears that I have permanently done away with only 12 lbs. What a waste. And my wardrobe-- particularly my work wardrobe-- has suffered badly. Since college, I have been telling myself that any day now, I will get this weight loss thing figured out, and find myself at a good size. A reasonable size. A decent size. And when I'm at that size-- no telling what it is-- I will allow myself to buy quality clothing. Until then, I can buy myself only crap-- stuff on the clearance racks at Target, Old Navy. Every year or two I will break down and buy some decent work clothes at Lane Bryant, but for the most part everything I buy for myself is under $20, ill-fitting, and cheaply-constructed.
Most of what I own is falling apart. Button-downs are too tight in the bust, sweaters are sprouting holes or coming apart at the seams. I have pants that are miserably faded, showing alarming wear at the seams, threatening to split down the back. I have several cardigans that are too small, too worn, missing buttons, completely worn out. Every day when I dress for work I look in my closet for something I can safety-pin into service that won't be terribly embarassing.
A couple weeks ago I went to work in a brown/cream/red plaid skirt with a brown twinset from Target. The skirt is in reasonable shape (though I don't wear it often because it rides uncomfortably close to my port) but the brown twinset was just sad. I have had it about a year, maybe a little longer. Since it was cheaply made, it was badly faded. Some of the buttons in the chest area were stretched and about to fall off. The shell had a hole in the back where the fabric was just giving way. And the cardigan top had a seam at the bottom that was just completely coming apart-- a huge gaping hole. I didn't notice this hole until I got to work and it was pointed out by a friendly coworker. Of course I already felt like I looked like crap, and her pointing out that my sweater was basically unraveling right off of my body made me more self-conscious. I was supposed to go out to dinner that night with friends to celebrate two birthdays, one of them mine. I was humiliated to show up at this fancy restaurant in this awful sweater.
So after work I made M drive me across the street to Old Navy and just swiped something out of the clearance rack. It was a big, chunky, deep-V-necked cream-colored sweater (and a matching camisole)-- the sweater was $12.99. Of course, big chunky knits aren't flattering on chesty girls. Its kinda... huge. I mean, it covered me up, it was warm, it was not as hideous as the brown mess I was wearing. But it wasn't chosen for how good it looks on me, its quality, how useful it would be in my wardrobe, etc. It was on sale, it went with the skirt, it fit me, I bought it. And in another 6 - 12 months, it will be in the same shape as the brown mess I was wearing, and it'll get pitched, too. Another $12.99 + tax down the drain.
Last week I decided I was no longer going to do that. I don't save any money by constantly replacing wardrobe basics (like twinsets, work pants, etc.) with more low-quality stuff that will soon need replacing. And I'm not doing my appearance any favors by buying things in that manner. I'm not doing my career any favors by showing up dressed poorly. And I'm doing some kind of subtle damage to my own psyche by telling myself that I will "deserve" nice clothes when I'm some future, smaller, acceptable size.
So anyway, last week I spent some time hunting around online for places to buy reasonably-priced, high-quality plus-size clothing, mostly basics. I had a few things at Lands' End and J. Jill that I was interested in. M suggested that we go down to Sears on Sunday-- they carry Lands' End in their stores-- and check out the selection. So we did. And I was so impressed! And M insisted on buying me several outfits, some for regular work wear and some for the honeymoon.
Their XL is generous and I ended up with a few sweaters in their regular XL, a couple pants in their plus sizes, and a button-down in their plus size (I have wicked big boobs). I got a 3/4-sleeve blue sweater, a lavender twinset, a patterned button-down, and a pair of khakis for work. For play-- the honeymoon, basically-- I got a long-sleeve navy boatneck t-shirt, a pair of cropped khakis, and a brown corduroy jacket (on crazy clearance).
Its amazing how much better about myself I feel in clothing that fits, that is quality, that flatters my shape instead of just covers it up.
My fiancee got home from Dallas on Saturday afternoon and is leaving first thing tomorrow morning for Japan. So, like we do most nights before a long overseas trip, we had a date night last night at Eclipse di Luna, a local tapas restaurant, with a couple friend of ours. I had sangria, dinner, and dessert-- and I'm not sorry.
*bangs head on desk-- viciously*
I'm so upset about this I don't even really want to discuss it. I worked really freaking hard last week. Really hard.
This weekend was a little tougher. I overslept Saturday and missed my 3.5-mile run (not a huge deal). My fiancee came home Saturday at lunch time, so I picked him up at the airport and since we were out and about, we stopped at Chipotle for lunch and I had the top "half" of a burrito bowl (mostly the chicken, salsa, cheese, and beans-- ignored most of the rice). Ravioli for dinner (I don't know why, but it was gross). Root beer floats made with Diet Barq's and Edy's Light vanilla for dessert. Sunday: breakfast bar, Panera black bean soup and half a turkey sandwich, pot roast with mashed potatoes for dinner, "diet" root beer floats.
Monday morning: short run and disastrous weigh-in.
Okay, I could have been way, way more virtuous over the weekend. Could have left the cheese off my burrito bowl, could have had something less heavy than pasta for dinner Saturday, could have skipped the not-band-friendly ice cream, could have avoided the against-bandster-rules soup at lunch on Sunday, could have prepared something more virtuous than pot roast for Sunday dinner.
But seriously. That not only did away with the previous week's good behavior but slapped an extra 1.4 pounds on my ass? What the hell?!
I don't want to talk about it.
My wardrobe has been in sad shape recently. I was banded last August, but I had been researching and pondering the possibilities for months before that. And I was really convinced that this would work for me, so even before we left to go get the band put in, I decided to stop buying new clothes for a while, and live with what I have. Because surely, by February 22nd-- my 6-month "bandiversary"-- I would be rocking a much smaller size. What would be the sense in investing a lot of money in clothes that I was soon going to "shrink out of"?
Hah. Sadly, in those 6 months it appears that I have permanently done away with only 12 lbs. What a waste. And my wardrobe-- particularly my work wardrobe-- has suffered badly. Since college, I have been telling myself that any day now, I will get this weight loss thing figured out, and find myself at a good size. A reasonable size. A decent size. And when I'm at that size-- no telling what it is-- I will allow myself to buy quality clothing. Until then, I can buy myself only crap-- stuff on the clearance racks at Target, Old Navy. Every year or two I will break down and buy some decent work clothes at Lane Bryant, but for the most part everything I buy for myself is under $20, ill-fitting, and cheaply-constructed.
Most of what I own is falling apart. Button-downs are too tight in the bust, sweaters are sprouting holes or coming apart at the seams. I have pants that are miserably faded, showing alarming wear at the seams, threatening to split down the back. I have several cardigans that are too small, too worn, missing buttons, completely worn out. Every day when I dress for work I look in my closet for something I can safety-pin into service that won't be terribly embarassing.
A couple weeks ago I went to work in a brown/cream/red plaid skirt with a brown twinset from Target. The skirt is in reasonable shape (though I don't wear it often because it rides uncomfortably close to my port) but the brown twinset was just sad. I have had it about a year, maybe a little longer. Since it was cheaply made, it was badly faded. Some of the buttons in the chest area were stretched and about to fall off. The shell had a hole in the back where the fabric was just giving way. And the cardigan top had a seam at the bottom that was just completely coming apart-- a huge gaping hole. I didn't notice this hole until I got to work and it was pointed out by a friendly coworker. Of course I already felt like I looked like crap, and her pointing out that my sweater was basically unraveling right off of my body made me more self-conscious. I was supposed to go out to dinner that night with friends to celebrate two birthdays, one of them mine. I was humiliated to show up at this fancy restaurant in this awful sweater.
So after work I made M drive me across the street to Old Navy and just swiped something out of the clearance rack. It was a big, chunky, deep-V-necked cream-colored sweater (and a matching camisole)-- the sweater was $12.99. Of course, big chunky knits aren't flattering on chesty girls. Its kinda... huge. I mean, it covered me up, it was warm, it was not as hideous as the brown mess I was wearing. But it wasn't chosen for how good it looks on me, its quality, how useful it would be in my wardrobe, etc. It was on sale, it went with the skirt, it fit me, I bought it. And in another 6 - 12 months, it will be in the same shape as the brown mess I was wearing, and it'll get pitched, too. Another $12.99 + tax down the drain.
Last week I decided I was no longer going to do that. I don't save any money by constantly replacing wardrobe basics (like twinsets, work pants, etc.) with more low-quality stuff that will soon need replacing. And I'm not doing my appearance any favors by buying things in that manner. I'm not doing my career any favors by showing up dressed poorly. And I'm doing some kind of subtle damage to my own psyche by telling myself that I will "deserve" nice clothes when I'm some future, smaller, acceptable size.
So anyway, last week I spent some time hunting around online for places to buy reasonably-priced, high-quality plus-size clothing, mostly basics. I had a few things at Lands' End and J. Jill that I was interested in. M suggested that we go down to Sears on Sunday-- they carry Lands' End in their stores-- and check out the selection. So we did. And I was so impressed! And M insisted on buying me several outfits, some for regular work wear and some for the honeymoon.
Their XL is generous and I ended up with a few sweaters in their regular XL, a couple pants in their plus sizes, and a button-down in their plus size (I have wicked big boobs). I got a 3/4-sleeve blue sweater, a lavender twinset, a patterned button-down, and a pair of khakis for work. For play-- the honeymoon, basically-- I got a long-sleeve navy boatneck t-shirt, a pair of cropped khakis, and a brown corduroy jacket (on crazy clearance).
Its amazing how much better about myself I feel in clothing that fits, that is quality, that flatters my shape instead of just covers it up.
My fiancee got home from Dallas on Saturday afternoon and is leaving first thing tomorrow morning for Japan. So, like we do most nights before a long overseas trip, we had a date night last night at Eclipse di Luna, a local tapas restaurant, with a couple friend of ours. I had sangria, dinner, and dessert-- and I'm not sorry.
Friday, February 8, 2008
friday vittles and eating better
breakfast:
1 cup coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar-free french vanilla Coffeemate - 30
1 package bite-size Quaker strawberry cereal bars - 130
lunch:
1 Lean Cuisine butternut squash ravioli - 350
snack:
1 banana - 105
1 1.15-oz package of all-natural peanut butter - 180
dinner:
1 serving (1 1/3 cup) Buitoni cheese ravioli - 317
1/2 cup Classico four-cheese spaghetti sauce - 90
2 Tbsp shredded parmesan cheese - 42
1/2 box of Green Giant steamed peas - 85
total food calories: 1,329
total exercise burned calories: 529
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 944
I ran an easy 3-and-change mile double-loop in my 'hood this morning. It was cold and my calves were crampy for some reason. Maybe the cold. But, even though those 3 miles were slow, they were 3 miles in which I didn't walk at all.
At Galloway they enforce intervals-- the group I'm in right now does 30 seconds running, 30 seconds walking. Its part of this whole philosophy of injury prevention and improved recovery-- and most people (the faster groups use intervals like 3 min run/1 min walk) can actually do the same distance as fast doing intervals as they could at a steady run.
So when I do my daily runs at home, I don't enforce intervals. I run until I need a break, then I walk for a few mailboxes, then I run again. I probably walk maybe 2 - 3 times per mile, and I don't walk long, and those breaks usually happen after a significant hill.
Anyway, so even though I ran slow today, running through the hill-recoveries and such shows that my endurance has improved alot and will be good for me on my long runs.
I have a goal to run 16 times in February. Basically 4 times per week. 5 so far.
1 cup coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar-free french vanilla Coffeemate - 30
1 package bite-size Quaker strawberry cereal bars - 130
lunch:
1 Lean Cuisine butternut squash ravioli - 350
snack:
1 banana - 105
1 1.15-oz package of all-natural peanut butter - 180
dinner:
1 serving (1 1/3 cup) Buitoni cheese ravioli - 317
1/2 cup Classico four-cheese spaghetti sauce - 90
2 Tbsp shredded parmesan cheese - 42
1/2 box of Green Giant steamed peas - 85
total food calories: 1,329
total exercise burned calories: 529
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 944
I ran an easy 3-and-change mile double-loop in my 'hood this morning. It was cold and my calves were crampy for some reason. Maybe the cold. But, even though those 3 miles were slow, they were 3 miles in which I didn't walk at all.
At Galloway they enforce intervals-- the group I'm in right now does 30 seconds running, 30 seconds walking. Its part of this whole philosophy of injury prevention and improved recovery-- and most people (the faster groups use intervals like 3 min run/1 min walk) can actually do the same distance as fast doing intervals as they could at a steady run.
So when I do my daily runs at home, I don't enforce intervals. I run until I need a break, then I walk for a few mailboxes, then I run again. I probably walk maybe 2 - 3 times per mile, and I don't walk long, and those breaks usually happen after a significant hill.
Anyway, so even though I ran slow today, running through the hill-recoveries and such shows that my endurance has improved alot and will be good for me on my long runs.
I have a goal to run 16 times in February. Basically 4 times per week. 5 so far.
i'm sorry i'm soooo booooooring
breakfast:
1 cup coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar-free french vanilla Coffeemate - 30
1 cup Kellogg's Special K Red Berries - 110
1 cup 2% milk - 122
lunch:
boxed lunch from Wolfgang Puck - basically the chicken and peanut dressing from on top of a salad, a cup of fruit (honeydew, cantaloupe, strawberries, grapes), and a disappointly crappy espresso brownie - maybe 700 calories?
dinner:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 160
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
1 cup Kellogg's Special K Red Berries - 110
1 cup 2% milk - 122
total food calories: 1,629
total exercise burned calories: 150
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 265
Thursday, February 7, 2008
boring, boring
breakfast:
1 cup coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar-free french vanilla Coffeemate - 30
1 Quaker strawberry cereal bar - 130
lunch:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 160
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
2 tbsp lowfat sour cream - 40
snack:
1 banana - 105
1.15 oz natural peanut butter - 180
dinner:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 160
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
2 tbsp lowfat sour cream - 40
total food calories: 1,395
total exercise burned calories: 150
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 499
1 cup coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar-free french vanilla Coffeemate - 30
1 Quaker strawberry cereal bar - 130
lunch:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 160
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
2 tbsp lowfat sour cream - 40
snack:
1 banana - 105
1.15 oz natural peanut butter - 180
dinner:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 160
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
2 tbsp lowfat sour cream - 40
total food calories: 1,395
total exercise burned calories: 150
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 499
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
mo' food bloggin'
breakfast:
1 cup coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar-free french vanilla Coffeemate - 30
1 Quaker strawberry cereal bar - 130
lunch:
1 Lean Cuisine garlic chicken stir-fry (with 2 veggie servings, and I didn't finish it) - 290
1 cup fresh cherries - 74
snack:
1 banana - 105
1 1.15-oz. packet natural peanut butter - 180
dinner:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 162
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
2 tbsp lowfat sour cream - 40
total food calories: 1,286
total exercise burned calories: 506
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 964
This morning I ran a 1.5-mile loop in my 'hood twice. Its a fun route that I have just put together. Basically it mashes together two shorter loops I've used for runs and walks, but its a great mashup. It combines several long, steady downhills with long, steady uphills, and two short but painful uphills. Its a great hilly workout with good balance, that is a challenge to endurance (long slow uphills) but exhilarating on the downhills, since I can pick up the pace for fun and a challenge. I will be doing that one regularly, I can tell.
1 cup coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar-free french vanilla Coffeemate - 30
1 Quaker strawberry cereal bar - 130
lunch:
1 Lean Cuisine garlic chicken stir-fry (with 2 veggie servings, and I didn't finish it) - 290
1 cup fresh cherries - 74
snack:
1 banana - 105
1 1.15-oz. packet natural peanut butter - 180
dinner:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 162
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
2 tbsp lowfat sour cream - 40
total food calories: 1,286
total exercise burned calories: 506
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 964
This morning I ran a 1.5-mile loop in my 'hood twice. Its a fun route that I have just put together. Basically it mashes together two shorter loops I've used for runs and walks, but its a great mashup. It combines several long, steady downhills with long, steady uphills, and two short but painful uphills. Its a great hilly workout with good balance, that is a challenge to endurance (long slow uphills) but exhilarating on the downhills, since I can pick up the pace for fun and a challenge. I will be doing that one regularly, I can tell.
Monday, February 4, 2008
trying harder
217.4
So I am now going to try to do three things, only one of which is a new thing.
1. Basically, my fiancee M has convinced me to go join a support group for lapbanded folk. It meets once a month and is led by Emory Bariatrics staff: dieticians, psychologists, etc. At $265 per year, its not exactly cheap but my fiancee wants me to do it so badly that he is fronting the cost. I am hoping that I will get some insight into some of my continuing food-related issues as well as some hope for making use out of my already-full-but-not-too-restricting band. He says if I do it for a few months and it doesn't seem to be helping, we will go back to the OCC for a followup appointment. An appointment at which I expect them to tell me to eat only depressingly small amounts of depressing diet foods, which is exactly what I can't do and was hoping the band would help me with.
2. I am writing down what I eat every day. God help y'all. I hope I don't slip up too badly and have to tell you guys I ate half a box of cereal or a ginormous milkshake.
3. Counting calories and computing caloric deficits. This is a system which has helped me in the past with varying degrees of success. Its worth a shot, anyway.
This morning I ran four miles-- four quality miles. I love days when I get up and bust out what I call quality miles. Those are runs in which I go faster than I normally do, walk less than I normally do, power up hills that normally defeat me, and generally end the workout feeling like I performed better than normal.
Here's today's projected calories (may be edited after supper):
breakfast:
1 Starbucks Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte (normally I have coffee at work with sugar-free creamer for 30 cals) - 130
1 Quaker strawberry cereal bar - 130
lunch:
1 Lean Cuisine butternut squash ravioli (with 2 veggie servings) - 350
1 small clementine - 35
snack:
1 banana - 105
1/4 cup almond, pecan, cranberry trail mix - 200
dinner:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 162
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
2 tbsp lowfat sour cream - 40
total food calories: 1,427
total exercise burned calories: 638
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 955
That's a decent caloric deficit, considering it takes about 3,500 calories to lose a pound. If I do that four days in a row, that's a pound gone. I can do that. Surely I can.
So I am now going to try to do three things, only one of which is a new thing.
1. Basically, my fiancee M has convinced me to go join a support group for lapbanded folk. It meets once a month and is led by Emory Bariatrics staff: dieticians, psychologists, etc. At $265 per year, its not exactly cheap but my fiancee wants me to do it so badly that he is fronting the cost. I am hoping that I will get some insight into some of my continuing food-related issues as well as some hope for making use out of my already-full-but-not-too-restricting band. He says if I do it for a few months and it doesn't seem to be helping, we will go back to the OCC for a followup appointment. An appointment at which I expect them to tell me to eat only depressingly small amounts of depressing diet foods, which is exactly what I can't do and was hoping the band would help me with.
2. I am writing down what I eat every day. God help y'all. I hope I don't slip up too badly and have to tell you guys I ate half a box of cereal or a ginormous milkshake.
3. Counting calories and computing caloric deficits. This is a system which has helped me in the past with varying degrees of success. Its worth a shot, anyway.
This morning I ran four miles-- four quality miles. I love days when I get up and bust out what I call quality miles. Those are runs in which I go faster than I normally do, walk less than I normally do, power up hills that normally defeat me, and generally end the workout feeling like I performed better than normal.
Here's today's projected calories (may be edited after supper):
breakfast:
1 Starbucks Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte (normally I have coffee at work with sugar-free creamer for 30 cals) - 130
1 Quaker strawberry cereal bar - 130
lunch:
1 Lean Cuisine butternut squash ravioli (with 2 veggie servings) - 350
1 small clementine - 35
snack:
1 banana - 105
1/4 cup almond, pecan, cranberry trail mix - 200
dinner:
1 10" flour tortilla - 110
2 oz. lowfat 2% milk Mexican shredded cheese - 162
1/4 black beans - 50
1/2 cup shredded chicken breast, with jerk seasoning - 115
2 tbsp lowfat sour cream - 40
total food calories: 1,427
total exercise burned calories: 638
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 955
That's a decent caloric deficit, considering it takes about 3,500 calories to lose a pound. If I do that four days in a row, that's a pound gone. I can do that. Surely I can.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
hahaha
I emailed the OCC today, asking, on Sarah's suggestion, if I really did have the small, 4 cc band.
They wrote me back pretty quickly: I do.
How hilarious and ridiculous this is. I would be in some ridiculously small group of people for whom the band doesn't work. I have 4 cc's in my 4 cc band. That's maximum capacity. And today? I don't feel restricted at all. At lunch (out with coworkers) I ordered some stir-fried chicken at a Chinese restaurant (I meant to get the one with vegetables, but I screwed up and am too timid to send back my meals). I ignored the rice-- sometimes problematic for me-- and ate the whole thing. Not really meaning to; just caught up on conversation. But the whole plate was probably 2 cups of chicken. Sure I chewed slowly, I didn't have a thing to drink. I left feeling pleasantly full, not stuffed, but now I'm insanely harshing on myself for it. What the hell could possibly be wrong with me? How do I have a level of fill most people can't even approach-- in the small band-- and still eat like that?
More to the point, how is it that 52 days from my wedding, I am still eating out with coworkers. Having lowfat ice cream after dinner with my fiancee. Eating a cookie here or there when its lying around the office. Acting like I shouldn't be working my ass off to lose weight. I am the biggest moron in the world.
I think its pretty clear that I am, basically screwed. A monumental mistake on the order of $10,000. Good job, retard. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying and screaming and bashing myself in the head with something really hard. $10,000 would have doubled my wedding budget, put us several months ahead on our buy-a-house fund, put me in a good position to go back to school in the fall. I can't believe what I have done with that money, which was set in a little skinny-dreams-shaped pile and lit it on fire. What an idiot I am.
They wrote me back pretty quickly: I do.
How hilarious and ridiculous this is. I would be in some ridiculously small group of people for whom the band doesn't work. I have 4 cc's in my 4 cc band. That's maximum capacity. And today? I don't feel restricted at all. At lunch (out with coworkers) I ordered some stir-fried chicken at a Chinese restaurant (I meant to get the one with vegetables, but I screwed up and am too timid to send back my meals). I ignored the rice-- sometimes problematic for me-- and ate the whole thing. Not really meaning to; just caught up on conversation. But the whole plate was probably 2 cups of chicken. Sure I chewed slowly, I didn't have a thing to drink. I left feeling pleasantly full, not stuffed, but now I'm insanely harshing on myself for it. What the hell could possibly be wrong with me? How do I have a level of fill most people can't even approach-- in the small band-- and still eat like that?
More to the point, how is it that 52 days from my wedding, I am still eating out with coworkers. Having lowfat ice cream after dinner with my fiancee. Eating a cookie here or there when its lying around the office. Acting like I shouldn't be working my ass off to lose weight. I am the biggest moron in the world.
I think its pretty clear that I am, basically screwed. A monumental mistake on the order of $10,000. Good job, retard. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying and screaming and bashing myself in the head with something really hard. $10,000 would have doubled my wedding budget, put us several months ahead on our buy-a-house fund, put me in a good position to go back to school in the fall. I can't believe what I have done with that money, which was set in a little skinny-dreams-shaped pile and lit it on fire. What an idiot I am.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
detailed update
I haven't posted lately about specifics about my band.
1. Its been almost exactly five months since my surgery.
2. I've had three fills and am now at 4.0 ccs in a 4-cc band.
3. I would say my restriction, on an average day, is at about 3/4 of the way to where I'd like it to be. This means that my breakfast is small (less than half a cup), my lunch is medium (about a cup) and my dinner pretty significant (about half of what a pre-band dinner was, or about1.5+ cups).
4. Typical meals lately are:
breakfast
* Quaker low-sugar breakfast bar (similar to Nutri-grain) for 130 cals
* coffee with Splenda and sugar-free creamer for about 30 cals
lunch
* Lean Cuisine entree for 200 - 400 cals
* a small piece of fruit (2 clementines, half an apple) or sweet treat (100-cal cupcake pack)
snack
* Weight Watcher's low-fat, sugar-free yogurt
* half a can of fruit (fruit cocktail, pear halves) canned in Splenda
dinner
* basically anything under the sun, but about 1/3 to 1/2 of the portion I would normally eat.
5. My major weakness is the abundance of very tempting, unhealthy foods at the office, and the skinny, hot girls I work with that can hoover two slices of luscious fancy-bakery birthday cake (yesterday) or leftover cookies and brownies from meetings (Tuesday) with no trouble. And naughty things like that? My weakness, pre-banding, PLUS, they go down soooo easy compared to things like lettuce.
6. When I cook at home, I try hard to eat a vegetable every night and focus on protein. I have had a lot of trouble up until recently with a lot of the veggies I was accustomed to eating: broccoli, brussels sprouts, lettuce, carrots, etc. Dinners I have prepared recently: a Cooking Light recipe for turkey chili (lots of beans, onions, peppers, tomatoes, corn), a grilled stuffed-chicken recipe (inside: basil, mozzarella, garlic) over pasta and marinara, a store-bought rotisserie chicken with frozen mixed veggies, an admittedly less-virtuous pot roast with carrots, onions, and mashed potatoes.
7. Things I am still having trouble eating:
* bread - I can't have sandwiches anymore. I can manage pizza if I eat the toppings off of the dough, and afterwards I can pick at the dough in small quantities and not worry about it. I can't eat a whole roll or biscuit, but for example, on turkey chili day, I had a few little nibbles off of one of my fiancee's after I'd eaten about 3/4 of my chili. For the most part, I just avoid bread, which is kind of amazing given that I'd never before been able to give up bread (on one of my many attempts at low-carb dieting).
* rice - I have had a few painful experiences with rice. For instance, I love sushi, and its a pretty diet-friendly meal, also, because I tend to stick to the basics and avoid the fried or mayo-dressed options. However, yesterdy I ate a Lean Cuisine with rice in it with no trouble-- I have a feeling the LC rice was not a problem because it is soggy and overcooked, just by nature of being a reheated frozen meal. For the most part, I just avoid rice, or eat only a small amount when its part of a larger dish.
* fiber-y vegetables - As I mentioned above, cooked broccoli, cooked brussels sprouts, raw carrots and lettuce have all been bad experiences for me. A couple weeks ago I had a chopped salad at Outback-- in which the lettuce was already cut into small squares about the size of a hole-punch hole-- with no trouble. So think its a "chewing to paste" issue. How do you chew lettuce to paste? And also-- eww. I think the same issue goes with the broc, brussels, and raw carrots. I've been keeping my freezer full of peas, spinach, cooked carrots and mixes that don't have a lot of the troublesome veggies in them.
* fruits - Apples with skins were a painful lesson, as were some dried apricots. I have been eating clementines lately, and take the time to strip away as much of the white membranes and even the inner section skins (if you know what I mean) when I eat them. Apples without skins are fine. Bananas are fine though they are thick so I rarely get down a whole one. I have also been buying canned fruit in Splenda-syrups, because their texture helps them go down.
8. I have random pains in my upper stomach every now and then. Not every day and not every week, but now and again. It worries me because my brain automatically goes to OMG ITS A SLIP when really, there's no reason to think so. I just chalk it up to a cramp or a nerve being irritated by having, you know, a large foreign object in my abdomen and move on.
9. My scars are healed but they are still pretty dark against my very, very pale skin. I have that pale blonde-haired blue-eyed Irish girl skin and scars have always taken a long, long time to recede on me. I know I need to be patient. I didn't think I'd be as self-conscious as I am about my belly scars. I actually cried when admitting that to my fiancee a week or two ago. He has been behind me 100% on this band journey and was flabbergasted that I was so worked up about it. It doesn't bother him at all and he often kisses and caresses by belly with no sign of revulsion.
10. I am down to only a couple PB's (productive burps) a week. Usually it is something I've done that I know better than to do-- I've eaten something I know is problematic, or eaten too fast (when I've very hungry this happens), or chewed insufficiently, or-- most commonly-- gone one or two bites past when I know I can and should stop.
11. I have basically mastered eating without drinking. In fact, doing so accidentally (or because I was busy not caring that day) has caused me to PB a few times. So for the most part, I just avoid it with little effort. Its only tough when I inadvertently eat something spicy (I was, pre-band, a medium-spicy eater) or when I've not been cautious to keep up with my water between meals and find myself sitting down to eat when I'm really, really thirsty. Sometimes I'm eating when I'm not even hungry, just thirsty. I try to avoid that, but it does happen.
12. I am still hungry between meals. Before and after the surgery, I cruised lots of boards and blogs and read about people who found it impossible to eat more than, say, every 6 or 8 hours. Not me! I could eat every two hours, and I'm careful not to chase my food down with water or other beverages (except in the morning with my coffee-- more on this below). My appetite has decreased in general but I still notice it. Its frustrating and contributes to a significant amonut of the weight-loss-ruining between-meal snacking I've been doing.
13. I run in the mornings. Right now I'm doing minimal mileage-- 2 to 3 miles is a typical weekday morning-- but I'm in a half-marathon training group and I know from experience that I can't run at 6 a.m. and then wait until noon to get some carbs into me. I get shaky, sweaty, dizzy, and lightheaded. I have to be careful and make sure I eat something, PLUS, I am accustomed to eating breakfast and am usually pretty hungry! So I have been eating those bars with my coffee, which helps them go down. Some mornings they would go down without coffee, but there are plenty of mornings when I would too tight to get even half of the bar down. I do try the coffee first, then the bar, but sometimes the bar needs a little help.
14. I know this sounds crazy, and I'm not 100% positive, but there seems to be some correlation between running in the morning and being band-tight the rest of the day. If its true, I'm a big fan of that. But it can be frustrating (see 13). But for the most part? I'll take it. Burning calories and being tighter and therefore taking in less calories: sounds like a recipe for success to me.
15. I have 58 days until my wedding, and a dress that is being altered to fit my current body exactly. As crazy as it sounds, I'm not too motivated to lose a ton between now and then. Five or six pounds, that come straight off my butt, and minimize my chubby cheeks and double chin? Fine by me. But I'm not going to go all insane about it pre-wedding.
16. Fiber. Fiber, fiber, fiber, FIBER. I need more of it. I've been sporadically using Benefiber as a supplement but I need to do so more regularly because I know I'm not getting enough, and my digestive system is, by and large, not too pleased with me on that front.
17. I've been eating Flintstones Chewables, which my girlfriend who is pregnant insists is totally cool because lots of women use them pre-natally or during pregnancy. And I figure kids probably need more vitamins than adults, not less, so its okay. I need another bottle though; I'm out.
18. As far as medications go, I've really only needed the occasional headache or muscle-ache relief and have been using BC Headache Powders for that. I got accustomed to the taste pretty quickly and while its not pleasant, it doesn't really even bother me. And dude-- they DO work fast. Also, I have skin allergies and occasionally need an antihistamine. They make one my fiancee is always giving me-- Allegra, or the generic for it?-- that comes in a sublingual tablet-- basically you put it on or under your tongue and it just melts. Works just fine.
19. I still haven't divulged my secret to many people in my life. For one, I consider it an intensely private battle that I've been fighting a long time, and I've never been one to trumpet my WW meetings or drone on about the wonders of South Beach or whatever in casual conversation. But also, I want it to work before I start talking about it. I do have a small circle of supportive girlfriends that do know, and of course my fiancee, but I keep the list pretty short.
20. Which brings me to my last point: I have had a few moments of panic and fear. I am afraid that I took a $10,000 gamble and that I'm going to lose. I'm ashamed and embarassed that after 5 months, I've only lost 15 lbs. I am even more ashamed and embarassed that a surgery combined with my own wedding hasn't been enough of a motivator for me to really go into the post-surgery diet with "guns blazing" and avoid my weaknesses. I have eaten far, far more strictly in the past and gotten results. I can't imagine how awesome my progress would be combining the effects of the band with that kind of eating. I'd be in terrific shape in no time. I am very afraid that at the end of the day, I'll be $10,000 poorer and still fat. Very afraid.
1. Its been almost exactly five months since my surgery.
2. I've had three fills and am now at 4.0 ccs in a 4-cc band.
3. I would say my restriction, on an average day, is at about 3/4 of the way to where I'd like it to be. This means that my breakfast is small (less than half a cup), my lunch is medium (about a cup) and my dinner pretty significant (about half of what a pre-band dinner was, or about1.5+ cups).
4. Typical meals lately are:
breakfast
* Quaker low-sugar breakfast bar (similar to Nutri-grain) for 130 cals
* coffee with Splenda and sugar-free creamer for about 30 cals
lunch
* Lean Cuisine entree for 200 - 400 cals
* a small piece of fruit (2 clementines, half an apple) or sweet treat (100-cal cupcake pack)
snack
* Weight Watcher's low-fat, sugar-free yogurt
* half a can of fruit (fruit cocktail, pear halves) canned in Splenda
dinner
* basically anything under the sun, but about 1/3 to 1/2 of the portion I would normally eat.
5. My major weakness is the abundance of very tempting, unhealthy foods at the office, and the skinny, hot girls I work with that can hoover two slices of luscious fancy-bakery birthday cake (yesterday) or leftover cookies and brownies from meetings (Tuesday) with no trouble. And naughty things like that? My weakness, pre-banding, PLUS, they go down soooo easy compared to things like lettuce.
6. When I cook at home, I try hard to eat a vegetable every night and focus on protein. I have had a lot of trouble up until recently with a lot of the veggies I was accustomed to eating: broccoli, brussels sprouts, lettuce, carrots, etc. Dinners I have prepared recently: a Cooking Light recipe for turkey chili (lots of beans, onions, peppers, tomatoes, corn), a grilled stuffed-chicken recipe (inside: basil, mozzarella, garlic) over pasta and marinara, a store-bought rotisserie chicken with frozen mixed veggies, an admittedly less-virtuous pot roast with carrots, onions, and mashed potatoes.
7. Things I am still having trouble eating:
* bread - I can't have sandwiches anymore. I can manage pizza if I eat the toppings off of the dough, and afterwards I can pick at the dough in small quantities and not worry about it. I can't eat a whole roll or biscuit, but for example, on turkey chili day, I had a few little nibbles off of one of my fiancee's after I'd eaten about 3/4 of my chili. For the most part, I just avoid bread, which is kind of amazing given that I'd never before been able to give up bread (on one of my many attempts at low-carb dieting).
* rice - I have had a few painful experiences with rice. For instance, I love sushi, and its a pretty diet-friendly meal, also, because I tend to stick to the basics and avoid the fried or mayo-dressed options. However, yesterdy I ate a Lean Cuisine with rice in it with no trouble-- I have a feeling the LC rice was not a problem because it is soggy and overcooked, just by nature of being a reheated frozen meal. For the most part, I just avoid rice, or eat only a small amount when its part of a larger dish.
* fiber-y vegetables - As I mentioned above, cooked broccoli, cooked brussels sprouts, raw carrots and lettuce have all been bad experiences for me. A couple weeks ago I had a chopped salad at Outback-- in which the lettuce was already cut into small squares about the size of a hole-punch hole-- with no trouble. So think its a "chewing to paste" issue. How do you chew lettuce to paste? And also-- eww. I think the same issue goes with the broc, brussels, and raw carrots. I've been keeping my freezer full of peas, spinach, cooked carrots and mixes that don't have a lot of the troublesome veggies in them.
* fruits - Apples with skins were a painful lesson, as were some dried apricots. I have been eating clementines lately, and take the time to strip away as much of the white membranes and even the inner section skins (if you know what I mean) when I eat them. Apples without skins are fine. Bananas are fine though they are thick so I rarely get down a whole one. I have also been buying canned fruit in Splenda-syrups, because their texture helps them go down.
8. I have random pains in my upper stomach every now and then. Not every day and not every week, but now and again. It worries me because my brain automatically goes to OMG ITS A SLIP when really, there's no reason to think so. I just chalk it up to a cramp or a nerve being irritated by having, you know, a large foreign object in my abdomen and move on.
9. My scars are healed but they are still pretty dark against my very, very pale skin. I have that pale blonde-haired blue-eyed Irish girl skin and scars have always taken a long, long time to recede on me. I know I need to be patient. I didn't think I'd be as self-conscious as I am about my belly scars. I actually cried when admitting that to my fiancee a week or two ago. He has been behind me 100% on this band journey and was flabbergasted that I was so worked up about it. It doesn't bother him at all and he often kisses and caresses by belly with no sign of revulsion.
10. I am down to only a couple PB's (productive burps) a week. Usually it is something I've done that I know better than to do-- I've eaten something I know is problematic, or eaten too fast (when I've very hungry this happens), or chewed insufficiently, or-- most commonly-- gone one or two bites past when I know I can and should stop.
11. I have basically mastered eating without drinking. In fact, doing so accidentally (or because I was busy not caring that day) has caused me to PB a few times. So for the most part, I just avoid it with little effort. Its only tough when I inadvertently eat something spicy (I was, pre-band, a medium-spicy eater) or when I've not been cautious to keep up with my water between meals and find myself sitting down to eat when I'm really, really thirsty. Sometimes I'm eating when I'm not even hungry, just thirsty. I try to avoid that, but it does happen.
12. I am still hungry between meals. Before and after the surgery, I cruised lots of boards and blogs and read about people who found it impossible to eat more than, say, every 6 or 8 hours. Not me! I could eat every two hours, and I'm careful not to chase my food down with water or other beverages (except in the morning with my coffee-- more on this below). My appetite has decreased in general but I still notice it. Its frustrating and contributes to a significant amonut of the weight-loss-ruining between-meal snacking I've been doing.
13. I run in the mornings. Right now I'm doing minimal mileage-- 2 to 3 miles is a typical weekday morning-- but I'm in a half-marathon training group and I know from experience that I can't run at 6 a.m. and then wait until noon to get some carbs into me. I get shaky, sweaty, dizzy, and lightheaded. I have to be careful and make sure I eat something, PLUS, I am accustomed to eating breakfast and am usually pretty hungry! So I have been eating those bars with my coffee, which helps them go down. Some mornings they would go down without coffee, but there are plenty of mornings when I would too tight to get even half of the bar down. I do try the coffee first, then the bar, but sometimes the bar needs a little help.
14. I know this sounds crazy, and I'm not 100% positive, but there seems to be some correlation between running in the morning and being band-tight the rest of the day. If its true, I'm a big fan of that. But it can be frustrating (see 13). But for the most part? I'll take it. Burning calories and being tighter and therefore taking in less calories: sounds like a recipe for success to me.
15. I have 58 days until my wedding, and a dress that is being altered to fit my current body exactly. As crazy as it sounds, I'm not too motivated to lose a ton between now and then. Five or six pounds, that come straight off my butt, and minimize my chubby cheeks and double chin? Fine by me. But I'm not going to go all insane about it pre-wedding.
16. Fiber. Fiber, fiber, fiber, FIBER. I need more of it. I've been sporadically using Benefiber as a supplement but I need to do so more regularly because I know I'm not getting enough, and my digestive system is, by and large, not too pleased with me on that front.
17. I've been eating Flintstones Chewables, which my girlfriend who is pregnant insists is totally cool because lots of women use them pre-natally or during pregnancy. And I figure kids probably need more vitamins than adults, not less, so its okay. I need another bottle though; I'm out.
18. As far as medications go, I've really only needed the occasional headache or muscle-ache relief and have been using BC Headache Powders for that. I got accustomed to the taste pretty quickly and while its not pleasant, it doesn't really even bother me. And dude-- they DO work fast. Also, I have skin allergies and occasionally need an antihistamine. They make one my fiancee is always giving me-- Allegra, or the generic for it?-- that comes in a sublingual tablet-- basically you put it on or under your tongue and it just melts. Works just fine.
19. I still haven't divulged my secret to many people in my life. For one, I consider it an intensely private battle that I've been fighting a long time, and I've never been one to trumpet my WW meetings or drone on about the wonders of South Beach or whatever in casual conversation. But also, I want it to work before I start talking about it. I do have a small circle of supportive girlfriends that do know, and of course my fiancee, but I keep the list pretty short.
20. Which brings me to my last point: I have had a few moments of panic and fear. I am afraid that I took a $10,000 gamble and that I'm going to lose. I'm ashamed and embarassed that after 5 months, I've only lost 15 lbs. I am even more ashamed and embarassed that a surgery combined with my own wedding hasn't been enough of a motivator for me to really go into the post-surgery diet with "guns blazing" and avoid my weaknesses. I have eaten far, far more strictly in the past and gotten results. I can't imagine how awesome my progress would be combining the effects of the band with that kind of eating. I'd be in terrific shape in no time. I am very afraid that at the end of the day, I'll be $10,000 poorer and still fat. Very afraid.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
still don't have a new scale
But I am not caring right now.
I was supposed to run 4 miles with Galloway on Saturday, but I overslept, thanks to a loud snorer who chased me to the couch in the middle of the night. I was really frustrated with myself but I got up Sunday morning and hit the gym (we had snow and ice on the ground, plus temperatures around 3 degrees with the windchill) and ran 4 miles, using the Nike+ workout I downloaded about a week ago, Kara Goucher's Endurance Run (or something like that). It was actually really, really good and fun-- encouraging me to run four 4-minute intervals at a very fast pace, broken up by four4-minute recovery intervals. Since there isn't much of a difference between my "fast" and "recovery" paces, I would do the fast past for 4 minutes, then a minute of a brisk walk, then 3 minutes at my "slow" pace. I still felt like I got a rockin' good workout.
I also slipped on a patch of ice coming out of the gym and came down hard on my right knee. Ouch. Its not majorly hurt, just a little. Its sore and swollen. I have been taking it easy. I could probably have run this morning (two days later) but the stiffness is most noticeable first thing in the morning and I was being kind of a wimp about it.
I was supposed to run 4 miles with Galloway on Saturday, but I overslept, thanks to a loud snorer who chased me to the couch in the middle of the night. I was really frustrated with myself but I got up Sunday morning and hit the gym (we had snow and ice on the ground, plus temperatures around 3 degrees with the windchill) and ran 4 miles, using the Nike+ workout I downloaded about a week ago, Kara Goucher's Endurance Run (or something like that). It was actually really, really good and fun-- encouraging me to run four 4-minute intervals at a very fast pace, broken up by four4-minute recovery intervals. Since there isn't much of a difference between my "fast" and "recovery" paces, I would do the fast past for 4 minutes, then a minute of a brisk walk, then 3 minutes at my "slow" pace. I still felt like I got a rockin' good workout.
I also slipped on a patch of ice coming out of the gym and came down hard on my right knee. Ouch. Its not majorly hurt, just a little. Its sore and swollen. I have been taking it easy. I could probably have run this morning (two days later) but the stiffness is most noticeable first thing in the morning and I was being kind of a wimp about it.
Monday, January 14, 2008
my scale sux
Okay.
I am not posting a weight today because I think my scale might have had it.
I stepped on it this morning-- in the exact same position it is always in on the floor-- with my glasses on. I normally weigh myself post-run, pre-shower naked, and usually without my glasses. I wait for the thing to beep and then gracefully (heh) lean down really close to read the result. Yeah.
So this morning (I don't know why) I kept my glasses on and noticed that the scale vacillated wildly about 20 lbs in both directions before settling on a (disturbingly high) weight. Hmm. It wasn't doing that a few weeks ago when I had contacts in. I think maybe its about done in? Or am I just trying to blame my lack of weight loss on my poor, abused scale?
Its not that old, either, maybe 4 or 5 years old, but I did get it at Target. Its one of those jobbers with the metal plates to calculate body fat percentage.
However, running goals are sailing along nicely. Six runs so far in January with the goal of completing nine more before the end of the month. It was ridiculously cold this morning (mid-20's and really windy) and because of last week's unseasonably mild temps, I bee-bopped outside this morning in just knee-legth pants and a long-sleeved wicking tee, thinking that was all I would need. So I suffered for three miles but I guess that'll learn me. I have plotted several courses of small loops that go past my house so most of my runs right now are two loops, giving me a chance to shed clothing mid-run if I need to. So, it makes sense maybe to over-bundle rather than under-bundle, since I get warmer as the run progresses.
Man, I feel so good when I am in the running zone. So good. I can only imagine that those running endorphins will feel even awesomer as I lose some weight, and I'm faster and fitter.
Saturday I was so tight. I don't know if it was from the run, or what. I could hardly choke a thing down all day, and then Sunday I was ravenous and loose. I ate a lot. Today I seem to be pretty normal and am striving for a little self-control.
I am not posting a weight today because I think my scale might have had it.
I stepped on it this morning-- in the exact same position it is always in on the floor-- with my glasses on. I normally weigh myself post-run, pre-shower naked, and usually without my glasses. I wait for the thing to beep and then gracefully (heh) lean down really close to read the result. Yeah.
So this morning (I don't know why) I kept my glasses on and noticed that the scale vacillated wildly about 20 lbs in both directions before settling on a (disturbingly high) weight. Hmm. It wasn't doing that a few weeks ago when I had contacts in. I think maybe its about done in? Or am I just trying to blame my lack of weight loss on my poor, abused scale?
Its not that old, either, maybe 4 or 5 years old, but I did get it at Target. Its one of those jobbers with the metal plates to calculate body fat percentage.
However, running goals are sailing along nicely. Six runs so far in January with the goal of completing nine more before the end of the month. It was ridiculously cold this morning (mid-20's and really windy) and because of last week's unseasonably mild temps, I bee-bopped outside this morning in just knee-legth pants and a long-sleeved wicking tee, thinking that was all I would need. So I suffered for three miles but I guess that'll learn me. I have plotted several courses of small loops that go past my house so most of my runs right now are two loops, giving me a chance to shed clothing mid-run if I need to. So, it makes sense maybe to over-bundle rather than under-bundle, since I get warmer as the run progresses.
Man, I feel so good when I am in the running zone. So good. I can only imagine that those running endorphins will feel even awesomer as I lose some weight, and I'm faster and fitter.
Saturday I was so tight. I don't know if it was from the run, or what. I could hardly choke a thing down all day, and then Sunday I was ravenous and loose. I ate a lot. Today I seem to be pretty normal and am striving for a little self-control.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
two steps forward, one step back
God, I am having a fat day. You know? I feel huge and disgusting. Probably because I am wearing the black dress I wore to my wedding shower, and I just had to look at those pictures again to send to my aunt, and I am giant and fat and disgusting in them.
Also I overslept this morning. Because I was stressed and sleepless last night. Because of work and meeting the minister. So this morning it was raining and I was running late already so I skipped my run to come right to work, and now I am hating myself and my work and wishing I'd just done my run and said to hell with being at work early to get something done which didn't even get done because everything takes so freaking long to do and I am swamped at work.
You know, the things that trip me up, I always feel like it is only me that trips on something so retarded. I ate a piece of leftover coconut cake for breakfast this morning, because I was tired, and I hated being here, and I wished I had run, and I felt like a fat loser, and I was embarassed and full of self-loathing for telling the minister all the dumb shit I told him last night and for getting teary-eyed and doing that shaking thing.
We met the minister last night and I loved him. And he was a compassionate guy; he just oozed it. He works as a hospice chaplain, though he was a church minister for many years before. He has four kids. He's only enough to be my dad. I immediately locked-on with my daddy-approval-wantings and he asked me point-blank about my family situation, and I told him, and I tried not to cry, but got teary-eyed, and felt compelled to explain things, and just kept blathering on, and he reassured me that it was okay, but god I felt like a retard sitting there like I was confessing.
So yeah, hate myself, cried all night after getting home, ate cake for breakfast, hate myself.
Also I overslept this morning. Because I was stressed and sleepless last night. Because of work and meeting the minister. So this morning it was raining and I was running late already so I skipped my run to come right to work, and now I am hating myself and my work and wishing I'd just done my run and said to hell with being at work early to get something done which didn't even get done because everything takes so freaking long to do and I am swamped at work.
You know, the things that trip me up, I always feel like it is only me that trips on something so retarded. I ate a piece of leftover coconut cake for breakfast this morning, because I was tired, and I hated being here, and I wished I had run, and I felt like a fat loser, and I was embarassed and full of self-loathing for telling the minister all the dumb shit I told him last night and for getting teary-eyed and doing that shaking thing.
We met the minister last night and I loved him. And he was a compassionate guy; he just oozed it. He works as a hospice chaplain, though he was a church minister for many years before. He has four kids. He's only enough to be my dad. I immediately locked-on with my daddy-approval-wantings and he asked me point-blank about my family situation, and I told him, and I tried not to cry, but got teary-eyed, and felt compelled to explain things, and just kept blathering on, and he reassured me that it was okay, but god I felt like a retard sitting there like I was confessing.
So yeah, hate myself, cried all night after getting home, ate cake for breakfast, hate myself.
Monday, January 7, 2008
back in the game
215.6
This weekend I did pretty well, with my eating. I'm still not counting calories yet. I am still stressing enough with adding the running back in. I have been doing well with making sure I eat some fruits and veggies everyday and staying away from treats and easy foods, for the most part. I have a freezer full of those Green Giant boxed veggies in varieties I know I can get down-- lots of peas and carrots. I have snacks for this week: Splendafied Weight Watchers yogurts, plus some strawberries (fresh) and some Splendafied canned fruits for when the strawberries run out. I snagged M a half-gallon of the Edy's light ice cream this weekend while grocery shopping but picked a variety he loves and I like only a little, which has helped me have just a minimal amount.
I am still not managing breakfast. I had a sugar-free, fat-free latte after my run on Saturday, leftover roasted chicken for lunch, and a pot roast with carrots, onions, mushrooms and (naughty) mashed potatoes. Sunday I had, about 4 hours after getting up, three crackers with a wee bit of peanut butter and about half a banana, leftover roast with veggies for lunch, and a half-serving of pan-seared tilapia, couscous pilaf, and peas for supper. Both evenings I had a small amount (halfcup-ish) of light ice cream after dinner.
I had a little trouble with the tilapia and couscous, I'm not sure why. Possibly the couscous itself bothered me, though I've had no trouble with pasta so far. The couscous had dried cherries and slivered almonds in it, and possibly one of those hit the "reject" button because I had a little PB in the midst of enjoying my meal. Oh, well. Really I've been doing pretty well controlling those lately.
I am getting hungry between meals still, and I am trying not to reach for the easy/bad foods. I have gotten much more comfortable at not drinking with my meals and with pounding the water between meals. This weekend I think I snagged a few pretzels here and there, and a few crackers with goat cheese and olive tapenade (leftover from NYE party and M is a big fan).
I had my first group run with the new season group at Galloway on Saturday. A piece of cake two miles. But you know what? I need to remember that two years ago, running two miles was a huge accomplishment and to appreciate how far I've come.
Incidentally, my weight is going down again, which can probably be explained by the absence of holiday foods, and my renewed dedication to running. I love my Nike+ Nano, and getting back into the groove with Galloway is also very motivating: I know I won't be able to bang out those long runs on Saturdays unless I've done my "homework" during the week.
I also updated my running shoes this weekend. I have been running and working out in the Saucony Hurricane series for years and years now-- they are great for a girl on the heavy side with a small amount of overpronation and wide feet. They have a generous toebox and lots of cushioning. However, Saucony is discontinuing that line! So, I decided instead of getting myself a last pair or two of the Hurricane 9's, I would go ahead and find myself another pair of shoes to love. And I have: the Asics Gel-Kayano's. I have seen then often on the feet of other runners in my groups, but you know, running shoes can be very hard to recommend in such a fashion, since foot anatomy and gait have such a large effect on the suitability of a shoe for an individual. But, I tried a pair on, knowing that they boasted the inner workings for a person who needs stability control and lots of cushioning, and checked them out for my specific needs: wide toebox, low ankle profile, comfortable fit.
And? Sports Authority had the Gel-Kayano 13's on sale for $89, when they are a $135 shoe, because the 14's have just been released. Which I care not a whit about! And the 14's are so new that I haven't found that low price on the 13's at other stores (Phidippides, Zappos.com, etc.) yet.
My current pair of Saucony Hurricanes are really only about a year old. Most Serious Runners replace their shoes every six months, and rotate several pairs in and out. I am a "runner" and took most of the autumn off to recover from my band surgery. So my year-old pair is really maybe, oh, eight months old, and probably doesn't yet have the 500 miles that indicate the deep descent into worn out.
But! My Kayano's are so, so, so springy! I mean, I can actually feel almost a "bounce" from them. Man, the comparison between a year-old shoe and a brand-new shoe in terms of feel? So crazy different.
So yeah. I am going to continue to run in the Kayano's this week (this morning I clocked in a 3 miles and change run) and then maaaaybe talk myself into picking up another pair to rotate into the mix, since $89 is a great price for any running shoe, especially one from this line. And I'm also keeping a watchful eye out for some deeply-discounted Saucony Hurricanes before they disappear. (My Saucony Hurricanes are also on the order of $125 to $135 when brand-new, and aren't yet on sale for something awesome like $89.)
I love that I am back in the groove. I feel so good about myself when I come in from a run. I feel like I really accomplished something, and somehow I feel thinner, prettier, more attractive, and more competent. I have never had that "runner's high" that people speak of-- each run is hard work from start to finish-- but I surely do experience the endorphins afterwards. And that, besides the weightloss and health benefits? Give it to me.
This weekend I did pretty well, with my eating. I'm still not counting calories yet. I am still stressing enough with adding the running back in. I have been doing well with making sure I eat some fruits and veggies everyday and staying away from treats and easy foods, for the most part. I have a freezer full of those Green Giant boxed veggies in varieties I know I can get down-- lots of peas and carrots. I have snacks for this week: Splendafied Weight Watchers yogurts, plus some strawberries (fresh) and some Splendafied canned fruits for when the strawberries run out. I snagged M a half-gallon of the Edy's light ice cream this weekend while grocery shopping but picked a variety he loves and I like only a little, which has helped me have just a minimal amount.
I am still not managing breakfast. I had a sugar-free, fat-free latte after my run on Saturday, leftover roasted chicken for lunch, and a pot roast with carrots, onions, mushrooms and (naughty) mashed potatoes. Sunday I had, about 4 hours after getting up, three crackers with a wee bit of peanut butter and about half a banana, leftover roast with veggies for lunch, and a half-serving of pan-seared tilapia, couscous pilaf, and peas for supper. Both evenings I had a small amount (halfcup-ish) of light ice cream after dinner.
I had a little trouble with the tilapia and couscous, I'm not sure why. Possibly the couscous itself bothered me, though I've had no trouble with pasta so far. The couscous had dried cherries and slivered almonds in it, and possibly one of those hit the "reject" button because I had a little PB in the midst of enjoying my meal. Oh, well. Really I've been doing pretty well controlling those lately.
I am getting hungry between meals still, and I am trying not to reach for the easy/bad foods. I have gotten much more comfortable at not drinking with my meals and with pounding the water between meals. This weekend I think I snagged a few pretzels here and there, and a few crackers with goat cheese and olive tapenade (leftover from NYE party and M is a big fan).
I had my first group run with the new season group at Galloway on Saturday. A piece of cake two miles. But you know what? I need to remember that two years ago, running two miles was a huge accomplishment and to appreciate how far I've come.
Incidentally, my weight is going down again, which can probably be explained by the absence of holiday foods, and my renewed dedication to running. I love my Nike+ Nano, and getting back into the groove with Galloway is also very motivating: I know I won't be able to bang out those long runs on Saturdays unless I've done my "homework" during the week.
I also updated my running shoes this weekend. I have been running and working out in the Saucony Hurricane series for years and years now-- they are great for a girl on the heavy side with a small amount of overpronation and wide feet. They have a generous toebox and lots of cushioning. However, Saucony is discontinuing that line! So, I decided instead of getting myself a last pair or two of the Hurricane 9's, I would go ahead and find myself another pair of shoes to love. And I have: the Asics Gel-Kayano's. I have seen then often on the feet of other runners in my groups, but you know, running shoes can be very hard to recommend in such a fashion, since foot anatomy and gait have such a large effect on the suitability of a shoe for an individual. But, I tried a pair on, knowing that they boasted the inner workings for a person who needs stability control and lots of cushioning, and checked them out for my specific needs: wide toebox, low ankle profile, comfortable fit.
And? Sports Authority had the Gel-Kayano 13's on sale for $89, when they are a $135 shoe, because the 14's have just been released. Which I care not a whit about! And the 14's are so new that I haven't found that low price on the 13's at other stores (Phidippides, Zappos.com, etc.) yet.
My current pair of Saucony Hurricanes are really only about a year old. Most Serious Runners replace their shoes every six months, and rotate several pairs in and out. I am a "runner" and took most of the autumn off to recover from my band surgery. So my year-old pair is really maybe, oh, eight months old, and probably doesn't yet have the 500 miles that indicate the deep descent into worn out.
But! My Kayano's are so, so, so springy! I mean, I can actually feel almost a "bounce" from them. Man, the comparison between a year-old shoe and a brand-new shoe in terms of feel? So crazy different.
So yeah. I am going to continue to run in the Kayano's this week (this morning I clocked in a 3 miles and change run) and then maaaaybe talk myself into picking up another pair to rotate into the mix, since $89 is a great price for any running shoe, especially one from this line. And I'm also keeping a watchful eye out for some deeply-discounted Saucony Hurricanes before they disappear. (My Saucony Hurricanes are also on the order of $125 to $135 when brand-new, and aren't yet on sale for something awesome like $89.)
I love that I am back in the groove. I feel so good about myself when I come in from a run. I feel like I really accomplished something, and somehow I feel thinner, prettier, more attractive, and more competent. I have never had that "runner's high" that people speak of-- each run is hard work from start to finish-- but I surely do experience the endorphins afterwards. And that, besides the weightloss and health benefits? Give it to me.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Happy New Year's
217.6
For Christmas I got the new iPod Nano plus the Nike sport-kit, which allows you to use your Nano as both an MP3 player and a pretty tricked-out pedometer. It records your time, distance, pace, and stores 1,000 runs in your history, and does cool stuff like offer up verbal info at the press of a button and let you know when you've run a personal best.
It is awesome, and also motivating. I've been out on four runs since getting it! It does need to be calibrated, though. It says you can use it out of the box and that it is very accurate for most runners without calibration, but I am wicked short and wicked slow: it wildly overestimates the distances I cover by nearly 20% (mapped and measured using MapMyRun.com) and therefore, wildly overestimates my speed, which, while very gratifying, annoys me from an accuracy perspective. I did try to calibrate it on the treadmill at the gym but I didn't do it right, and then I found out from The Internet that I need to do the calibration on a track (as running on a treadmill results in very different pacing than running outside). So I think maybe this Sunday I will find a nearby high school track to do my calibration on.
Also this coming Saturday is the start of a new running group "season" with my local Galloway group. For anyone out there that is at all interested in running, I highly suggest starting with a Galloway group in your city. They are really spectacular for beginnings, and train on a run/walk method that everyone I know who has tried it-- from short lil' fatties like me to my tall, lean, fit 8-min-mile friend-- swears by for injury prevention and their personal best race times.
The group that is starting up Saturday is training for spring half-marathons, including Atlanta's second ING half-marathon, which unfortunately falls on the Saturday after my wedding: I'll be kicked back on a beach in Fiji. But, truly, I don't join the groups with the intent to run half-marathons. I'm not sure that length of a race is right for me. So far the longest race I've run is the Army Ten-Miler in DC, which is a nice, flat, even course, and those were 10 painful miles. Well, the last couple were, anyway. I enjoy shorter races, 5ks and 10ks. But, running with the group keeps me motivated and that works for me! It is so worth the $79 just for that reason.
I am trying not to go overboard with the New Year's Resolutions this year. I am the kind of person that sets myself up for failure so I can wallow in self-hate for the rest of the year. Here are the things I am shooting for this year, which I think you will agree are attainable:
1. Get married!
2. Monetary goals:
* pay off all wedding-related expenses this year
* after that, refocus financial attention on jointly funding the house savings avvount
* set a monthly allowance for each of us, and stay within that allowance each month
* set up my own personal Christmas savings account
* set up and begin funding joint vacation, car, and investment accounts
3. Weight loss goals:
* Run with Galloway all year
* Follow the bandster rules
* Force myself to eat fruit and vegetables every day
* Do not allow myself to rely daily on the easy foods (prime example: mashed potatoes do not count as a vegetable)
* Count calories as needed to make progress on the weight-loss front
* Use my iPod+sport kit to set myself monthly running goals and meet them
4. Get a dentist and go for a cleaning & checkup
5. Get new contacts and glasses
6. Restrict lunches out with coworkers to once a week
7. Complete my ASA and EA designations this year
8. Meet my billable goal at work this year by setting monthly goals and meeting them
9. Focus more time and energy on this blog, both for myself and others considering the lapband procedure
10. Focus on self-love and self-encouragement
Today I am had a coffee with Splenda and two small half-and-half containers for breakfast, and a midmorning snack of 4 strawberries, half a banana, and half a large container of lowfat yogurt.
Coffee: 25 cals
Yogurt with fruit: 188 cals
My coworker and friend G is back after two and a half weeks of vacation, and I've missed her! So we are going out to eat. We're going to Outback Steakhouse, though, and they have a decent lunchtime spread so I'm sure I'll find something reasonable to eat. Tonight I also have dinner out, with my closest girl friend who is returning home to Cali tomorrow. BUT, I did bust out a 2-mile, 30-min run this morning at 6:00 a.m., when temperatures were in the teens, so I am okay with that.
For Christmas I got the new iPod Nano plus the Nike sport-kit, which allows you to use your Nano as both an MP3 player and a pretty tricked-out pedometer. It records your time, distance, pace, and stores 1,000 runs in your history, and does cool stuff like offer up verbal info at the press of a button and let you know when you've run a personal best.
It is awesome, and also motivating. I've been out on four runs since getting it! It does need to be calibrated, though. It says you can use it out of the box and that it is very accurate for most runners without calibration, but I am wicked short and wicked slow: it wildly overestimates the distances I cover by nearly 20% (mapped and measured using MapMyRun.com) and therefore, wildly overestimates my speed, which, while very gratifying, annoys me from an accuracy perspective. I did try to calibrate it on the treadmill at the gym but I didn't do it right, and then I found out from The Internet that I need to do the calibration on a track (as running on a treadmill results in very different pacing than running outside). So I think maybe this Sunday I will find a nearby high school track to do my calibration on.
Also this coming Saturday is the start of a new running group "season" with my local Galloway group. For anyone out there that is at all interested in running, I highly suggest starting with a Galloway group in your city. They are really spectacular for beginnings, and train on a run/walk method that everyone I know who has tried it-- from short lil' fatties like me to my tall, lean, fit 8-min-mile friend-- swears by for injury prevention and their personal best race times.
The group that is starting up Saturday is training for spring half-marathons, including Atlanta's second ING half-marathon, which unfortunately falls on the Saturday after my wedding: I'll be kicked back on a beach in Fiji. But, truly, I don't join the groups with the intent to run half-marathons. I'm not sure that length of a race is right for me. So far the longest race I've run is the Army Ten-Miler in DC, which is a nice, flat, even course, and those were 10 painful miles. Well, the last couple were, anyway. I enjoy shorter races, 5ks and 10ks. But, running with the group keeps me motivated and that works for me! It is so worth the $79 just for that reason.
I am trying not to go overboard with the New Year's Resolutions this year. I am the kind of person that sets myself up for failure so I can wallow in self-hate for the rest of the year. Here are the things I am shooting for this year, which I think you will agree are attainable:
1. Get married!
2. Monetary goals:
* pay off all wedding-related expenses this year
* after that, refocus financial attention on jointly funding the house savings avvount
* set a monthly allowance for each of us, and stay within that allowance each month
* set up my own personal Christmas savings account
* set up and begin funding joint vacation, car, and investment accounts
3. Weight loss goals:
* Run with Galloway all year
* Follow the bandster rules
* Force myself to eat fruit and vegetables every day
* Do not allow myself to rely daily on the easy foods (prime example: mashed potatoes do not count as a vegetable)
* Count calories as needed to make progress on the weight-loss front
* Use my iPod+sport kit to set myself monthly running goals and meet them
4. Get a dentist and go for a cleaning & checkup
5. Get new contacts and glasses
6. Restrict lunches out with coworkers to once a week
7. Complete my ASA and EA designations this year
8. Meet my billable goal at work this year by setting monthly goals and meeting them
9. Focus more time and energy on this blog, both for myself and others considering the lapband procedure
10. Focus on self-love and self-encouragement
Today I am had a coffee with Splenda and two small half-and-half containers for breakfast, and a midmorning snack of 4 strawberries, half a banana, and half a large container of lowfat yogurt.
Coffee: 25 cals
Yogurt with fruit: 188 cals
My coworker and friend G is back after two and a half weeks of vacation, and I've missed her! So we are going out to eat. We're going to Outback Steakhouse, though, and they have a decent lunchtime spread so I'm sure I'll find something reasonable to eat. Tonight I also have dinner out, with my closest girl friend who is returning home to Cali tomorrow. BUT, I did bust out a 2-mile, 30-min run this morning at 6:00 a.m., when temperatures were in the teens, so I am okay with that.
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