i'm back

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since February. March was a busy month for me. We got married on the 22nd of March. Just got back from the honeymoon this weekend and I've been jetlagged. Thanks for worrying after me, Sarah.

Well, where am I with my band?

I can't say for sure. I had debiltating amounts of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the wedding. I had a crisis of self-esteem and I asked my now-husband to hide the scale, which he did. I bought a book called Intuitive Eating, recommended to me by someone that is decidedly anti-diet. I read it in those last few weeks, trying really hard to give myself some way to not hate my body. Some way to not feel disgusting and fat in my wedding dress, ashamed of myself and burdened by it. I didn't even really try to do what they suggested, beyond telling myself I am not bad, deficient, unlovable as a person because of what I do or don't eat. I didn't really try to eat intuitively or give up on the band, I just tried to stop hurting myself.

I'm not going to say it "worked," because I felt conflicted the whole day, and still do. Some parts I really enjoyed. Others-- for example, being photographed and then having to look at those photos later-- were excruciating for me. I am still deeply ashamed of myself for how fat I am in that wedding dress. I didn't want it to be like that. I really got my hopes up after the band and engagement, thinking I would roll down the aisle much thinner than that. But I still have good memories, happy feelings. They are just, unfortunately, mixed with the bad.

I don't know what to do about the band. M and I discussed it some while we were away on the honeymoon (two amazing weeks in Fiji and New Zealand). His suggestions inluded: go back to Dr. Ortiz, join the Emory support group, find a local therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to work through some of my emotional food issues, reread the book and give the Intuitive Eating method a for-serious try. I have no idea what I am going to do next. I am too tired to think about it.

Well, that's not true. Tomorrow morning I am going to get up and run. I am going to walk my dog. I am going to shower, and go back to work for the first time in three weeks. I am going to eat when I am hungry and tell myself that its perfectly fine. That I am a lovable, worthwhile person at a size 16/18. After that I am not sure yet. I just really want to get to a place where I am free of the self-loathing, where I can accept my body. I had hoped I could do those things just by losing the weight I want to lose. But it doesn't look like that is going to happen.