God, I am having a fat day. You know? I feel huge and disgusting. Probably because I am wearing the black dress I wore to my wedding shower, and I just had to look at those pictures again to send to my aunt, and I am giant and fat and disgusting in them.
Also I overslept this morning. Because I was stressed and sleepless last night. Because of work and meeting the minister. So this morning it was raining and I was running late already so I skipped my run to come right to work, and now I am hating myself and my work and wishing I'd just done my run and said to hell with being at work early to get something done which didn't even get done because everything takes so freaking long to do and I am swamped at work.
You know, the things that trip me up, I always feel like it is only me that trips on something so retarded. I ate a piece of leftover coconut cake for breakfast this morning, because I was tired, and I hated being here, and I wished I had run, and I felt like a fat loser, and I was embarassed and full of self-loathing for telling the minister all the dumb shit I told him last night and for getting teary-eyed and doing that shaking thing.
We met the minister last night and I loved him. And he was a compassionate guy; he just oozed it. He works as a hospice chaplain, though he was a church minister for many years before. He has four kids. He's only enough to be my dad. I immediately locked-on with my daddy-approval-wantings and he asked me point-blank about my family situation, and I told him, and I tried not to cry, but got teary-eyed, and felt compelled to explain things, and just kept blathering on, and he reassured me that it was okay, but god I felt like a retard sitting there like I was confessing.
So yeah, hate myself, cried all night after getting home, ate cake for breakfast, hate myself.
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3 comments:
There are days when we think we are the only ones that have bad days. Today, I thought I was having a bad day. I see that you are having a bad day, too.
Tomorrow will be better, even if we did cake for breakfast today.
I'm sorry you're having a bad day, too, Kittuns. I am drinking some hot tea and trying not to feel extra super sorry for myself.
For lunch I had some leftover couscous, peas, and tilapia. A small amount, and just like the night we had it for dinner, I had a small PB at the end, which is only adding to the blackness of my mood. Luckily I was able to run over to my desk, to my empty coffee cup, to take care of it away from the eyes of my coworkers that I eat with.
But hey, at least now I'm drinking tea instead of eating the stupid cookies on the file cabinet near my desk.
Hee hee... I said, "even if we did cake for breakfast."
I hope cake appreciated it.
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