hahaha

I emailed the OCC today, asking, on Sarah's suggestion, if I really did have the small, 4 cc band.

They wrote me back pretty quickly: I do.

How hilarious and ridiculous this is. I would be in some ridiculously small group of people for whom the band doesn't work. I have 4 cc's in my 4 cc band. That's maximum capacity. And today? I don't feel restricted at all. At lunch (out with coworkers) I ordered some stir-fried chicken at a Chinese restaurant (I meant to get the one with vegetables, but I screwed up and am too timid to send back my meals). I ignored the rice-- sometimes problematic for me-- and ate the whole thing. Not really meaning to; just caught up on conversation. But the whole plate was probably 2 cups of chicken. Sure I chewed slowly, I didn't have a thing to drink. I left feeling pleasantly full, not stuffed, but now I'm insanely harshing on myself for it. What the hell could possibly be wrong with me? How do I have a level of fill most people can't even approach-- in the small band-- and still eat like that?

More to the point, how is it that 52 days from my wedding, I am still eating out with coworkers. Having lowfat ice cream after dinner with my fiancee. Eating a cookie here or there when its lying around the office. Acting like I shouldn't be working my ass off to lose weight. I am the biggest moron in the world.

I think its pretty clear that I am, basically screwed. A monumental mistake on the order of $10,000. Good job, retard. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying and screaming and bashing myself in the head with something really hard. $10,000 would have doubled my wedding budget, put us several months ahead on our buy-a-house fund, put me in a good position to go back to school in the fall. I can't believe what I have done with that money, which was set in a little skinny-dreams-shaped pile and lit it on fire. What an idiot I am.