please kill me

218.8

*bangs head on desk-- viciously*

I'm so upset about this I don't even really want to discuss it. I worked really freaking hard last week. Really hard.

This weekend was a little tougher. I overslept Saturday and missed my 3.5-mile run (not a huge deal). My fiancee came home Saturday at lunch time, so I picked him up at the airport and since we were out and about, we stopped at Chipotle for lunch and I had the top "half" of a burrito bowl (mostly the chicken, salsa, cheese, and beans-- ignored most of the rice). Ravioli for dinner (I don't know why, but it was gross). Root beer floats made with Diet Barq's and Edy's Light vanilla for dessert. Sunday: breakfast bar, Panera black bean soup and half a turkey sandwich, pot roast with mashed potatoes for dinner, "diet" root beer floats.

Monday morning: short run and disastrous weigh-in.

Okay, I could have been way, way more virtuous over the weekend. Could have left the cheese off my burrito bowl, could have had something less heavy than pasta for dinner Saturday, could have skipped the not-band-friendly ice cream, could have avoided the against-bandster-rules soup at lunch on Sunday, could have prepared something more virtuous than pot roast for Sunday dinner.

But seriously. That not only did away with the previous week's good behavior but slapped an extra 1.4 pounds on my ass? What the hell?!

I don't want to talk about it.

My wardrobe has been in sad shape recently. I was banded last August, but I had been researching and pondering the possibilities for months before that. And I was really convinced that this would work for me, so even before we left to go get the band put in, I decided to stop buying new clothes for a while, and live with what I have. Because surely, by February 22nd-- my 6-month "bandiversary"-- I would be rocking a much smaller size. What would be the sense in investing a lot of money in clothes that I was soon going to "shrink out of"?

Hah. Sadly, in those 6 months it appears that I have permanently done away with only 12 lbs. What a waste. And my wardrobe-- particularly my work wardrobe-- has suffered badly. Since college, I have been telling myself that any day now, I will get this weight loss thing figured out, and find myself at a good size. A reasonable size. A decent size. And when I'm at that size-- no telling what it is-- I will allow myself to buy quality clothing. Until then, I can buy myself only crap-- stuff on the clearance racks at Target, Old Navy. Every year or two I will break down and buy some decent work clothes at Lane Bryant, but for the most part everything I buy for myself is under $20, ill-fitting, and cheaply-constructed.

Most of what I own is falling apart. Button-downs are too tight in the bust, sweaters are sprouting holes or coming apart at the seams. I have pants that are miserably faded, showing alarming wear at the seams, threatening to split down the back. I have several cardigans that are too small, too worn, missing buttons, completely worn out. Every day when I dress for work I look in my closet for something I can safety-pin into service that won't be terribly embarassing.

A couple weeks ago I went to work in a brown/cream/red plaid skirt with a brown twinset from Target. The skirt is in reasonable shape (though I don't wear it often because it rides uncomfortably close to my port) but the brown twinset was just sad. I have had it about a year, maybe a little longer. Since it was cheaply made, it was badly faded. Some of the buttons in the chest area were stretched and about to fall off. The shell had a hole in the back where the fabric was just giving way. And the cardigan top had a seam at the bottom that was just completely coming apart-- a huge gaping hole. I didn't notice this hole until I got to work and it was pointed out by a friendly coworker. Of course I already felt like I looked like crap, and her pointing out that my sweater was basically unraveling right off of my body made me more self-conscious. I was supposed to go out to dinner that night with friends to celebrate two birthdays, one of them mine. I was humiliated to show up at this fancy restaurant in this awful sweater.

So after work I made M drive me across the street to Old Navy and just swiped something out of the clearance rack. It was a big, chunky, deep-V-necked cream-colored sweater (and a matching camisole)-- the sweater was $12.99. Of course, big chunky knits aren't flattering on chesty girls. Its kinda... huge. I mean, it covered me up, it was warm, it was not as hideous as the brown mess I was wearing. But it wasn't chosen for how good it looks on me, its quality, how useful it would be in my wardrobe, etc. It was on sale, it went with the skirt, it fit me, I bought it. And in another 6 - 12 months, it will be in the same shape as the brown mess I was wearing, and it'll get pitched, too. Another $12.99 + tax down the drain.

Last week I decided I was no longer going to do that. I don't save any money by constantly replacing wardrobe basics (like twinsets, work pants, etc.) with more low-quality stuff that will soon need replacing. And I'm not doing my appearance any favors by buying things in that manner. I'm not doing my career any favors by showing up dressed poorly. And I'm doing some kind of subtle damage to my own psyche by telling myself that I will "deserve" nice clothes when I'm some future, smaller, acceptable size.

So anyway, last week I spent some time hunting around online for places to buy reasonably-priced, high-quality plus-size clothing, mostly basics. I had a few things at Lands' End and J. Jill that I was interested in. M suggested that we go down to Sears on Sunday-- they carry Lands' End in their stores-- and check out the selection. So we did. And I was so impressed! And M insisted on buying me several outfits, some for regular work wear and some for the honeymoon.

Their XL is generous and I ended up with a few sweaters in their regular XL, a couple pants in their plus sizes, and a button-down in their plus size (I have wicked big boobs). I got a 3/4-sleeve blue sweater, a lavender twinset, a patterned button-down, and a pair of khakis for work. For play-- the honeymoon, basically-- I got a long-sleeve navy boatneck t-shirt, a pair of cropped khakis, and a brown corduroy jacket (on crazy clearance).

Its amazing how much better about myself I feel in clothing that fits, that is quality, that flatters my shape instead of just covers it up.

My fiancee got home from Dallas on Saturday afternoon and is leaving first thing tomorrow morning for Japan. So, like we do most nights before a long overseas trip, we had a date night last night at Eclipse di Luna, a local tapas restaurant, with a couple friend of ours. I had sangria, dinner, and dessert-- and I'm not sorry.