i really just can't

I haven't weighed myself in a week and I really just can't. I am seriously considering throwing out the scale.

I've been in an incredible funk that I haven't even really been able to vocalize.

My sister, who has always been exceptionally petite, has lost 26 lbs in the last three months. Basically, she was inspired by the fact that she had to order a size 8 dress to wear in my wedding. So she cut down her already very, very ascetic vegetarian diet even more. Swapped out her regular Cokes for a couple diet sodas. Ate even less than before. And lost 26 lbs in three months.

Three months in which I had a lap band. That I paid $10,000 to have surgically implanted inside my body. And my fat ass still weighs the same. I cannot explain how much I hate myself. I am so depressed I can't even make myself go through the motions of life. I basically did nothing all weekend but hide from the world and eat. I hate myself, I can't stand to even think about my upcoming wedding, and everything-- from my weight to the wedding to a stupid work-related trip to Chicago I have to take today-- fills me with incredible anxiety and dread. I have slept very little and had a constant, unrelenting headache since last Thursday. I am so miserable that I don't know what to do. I should be happy right now. But I'm not. Because I don't deserve to be.

I made and ate an entire pan of brownies this weekend. Also a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese. And cereal with milk. I don't even care anymore. It doesn't even matter.