hating myself

222.8

Today, even though I hate myself, I am Officially Trying. I got back from a weekend trip to Washington, D.C. to visit with (not fat) married friends. The weekend, as usual, left me vaguely depressed. I felt huge and fat the whole time, ashamed to be eating in front of them. My girlfriend knows I had the "lapdance" and, I guess, expected me to already be having the restricted appetite-- completely untrue as I haven't had a fill.

She also arranged a big dinner, with 8 people, at Fogo de Chao, which was basically the last thing on earth I wanted to do. I don't care for all-you-can-eat restaurants to begin with, and it was expensive-- $75! And I only had one drink, and water with dinner elsewise. I tried not to stuff myself-- I just grazed-- and I was pleased that when I looked around the table, everyone else was eating more than me, usually lots and lots more. So I don't feel like a total failure. But the truth is, the total of the calories I took in the other night is probably horrific.

I am recovering from that, and trying to "be bandy" today. That means:
* trying for 65 grams of protein
* staying under 1,000 calories
* not drinking with meals
* eating protein first, then fruits & veggies
* getting exercise in
* getting 6+ cups of water and decaf tea in
* minimizing sugar and sweetened treats

I didn't, truth be told, get up and run this morning. I have had a lot of "morning dread" lately: dreading going into work, dreading getting on the scale (which I am compelled to do), dreading failing at my diet all day long because I am weak, weak, weak. I am picking up my dog from my sister this evening, and we will definitely get a good long walk in together. I know he misses me and I miss him, and the regular rhythm of our daily (sometimes twice-daily) walks.

Breakfast:
1 scoop of Unjury chocolate - 100 cals, 20 g protein
2 tbsp Land o' Lakes half and half - 35 cals, 0.5 g protein
16 oz. mocha java coffee (cooled slightly) - o cals, 0 protein
1 Flintstone vitamin - 0 cals, 0 protein

Lunch:
1 Starkist albacore tuna kit (tuna, reduced calorie mayonnaise, relish, crackers) - 250 cals, 19 g protein

Snack:
1 Weight Watchers fat-free strawberry yogurt - 100 cals, 6 g of protein

Dinner:
homemade chicken stir-fry with 1/2 cup white rice, 1 cup broccoli

Total: 1,076 cals, 90.8 g protein

For dinner I am thinking either a chicken breast, grilled, with some frozen veggies from the freezer. I don't think I have any brown rice left, but I do have some whole wheat pasta. I dunno. I might try to make myself go without a starch, that's hard for me, though. Or maybe I will do a stir-fry with frozen veggies. I also have some shrimp in the freezer and I have been a little sick of chicken lately. But in any case, I have what I need at home, so that's good.

Instead of the above, I made a chicken stir-fry loosely based on this recipe for shrimp lettuce wraps, recommended to me by a friend. I didn't have orange marmalade, so I subbed in apricot preserves. I also used 1 heaping teaspoon of red pepper flakes instead of the regular pepper. I didn't have any lettuce, either, so I mixed the cooked chicken up with a cup of steamed broccoli and slapped in a half-cup of white rice. It was good, if a little salty. I imagine that loaded into a lettuce leaf, it would have been perfect.