anxiety, and, i want my fill!

219.8

Finally, back below 220.

The wedding, the wedding. I was doing great for a while, now I am falling behind.

I have a lot of anxiety about things. I have a lot of feelings of inadequacy around my ability to manage the whole endeavor. Probably the thing that I am most ashamed of (and therefore completely unable to discuss with real life friends) is the weight issue.

I hate that I am so "ohmigod I have to be skinny on my SPECIAL DAAAAAAY!!!" about this.

Three weeks before I got engaged, I had my lap-band surgery. I can expect-- with hard work-- to lose maybe 20 to 30 lbs before my March 2008 wedding.

The recovery has been harder for me than I expected, physically and mentally. The behaviors that I have developed over years of emotional eating are still there.

Here's what I am freaking out about:

1) I kinda wish I had had longer to adjust to the band itself and lose some weight before getting engaged. I do not regret getting engaged; I just wish the timing had not overlapped like it did, just for my own personal sanity.

2) I have only told a very, very small handful of people about the surgery (fiance included, of course). So I don't really have the ability to vent much about it.

3) I am afraid that I will "fail" to lose enough weight to meet expectations before the wedding. I mean not just my expectations, but those of the few people (sister, two girlfriends, fiance) who know about it.

4) I am also afraid, in a way, to lose so much weight that the dress I bought will be a mess. It is coming in in January for my late-March wedding, and the bridal tailor told me not to try to lose weight, and now I fear that losing weight will wreck the dress and it won't fit me right.

5) I am afraid that no matter how much weight I will lose, I will still hate my appearance, still shy away from cameras on my wedding day and never be able to look back and have happy memories of the day, only shame and regret.