6 weeks out

221.0

Well, technically, tomorrow is the 6-week marker for me. I forced myself onto the scale this morning-- I've gained back 8 lbs of the 16 I lost between the pre-op and post-op diets.

I want to just throw myself under a bus, I am so depressed about that. I feel like I'm sliding back into old habits, like I am throwing away that $10,000 opportunity that I gave myself. My wedding, also, is 172 days away and I don't care how cliche it is-- I hate that I'm not super-motivated by that and busting ass at the gym 2 hours a day.

To be fair to myself: I've been eating a lot of salads and Lean Cuisines and lean protein. I've also been working insane hours (2 or 3 a.m. most of last week), and a family friend died last week. It was not unexpected, but death is never expected. I spent a good part of the last week taking care of the family as much as I could. Those things, work + funeral, meant that I didn't get any running and very, very little walking done last week (my dog hates me).

I can get my fill as early as tomorrow. However, I am planning on using Fill Centers USA and I've heard that they only have services on Saturdays in Atlanta. This coming weekend I'm going to D.C. to visit with friends, so it'll have to be next weekend. I really need to get on the stick and call and schedule an appointment! I need a fill!

I was supposed to run the Army Ten Miler in D.C. this weekend with my friends. As it turned out, my surgery was right at a critical time for me to build mileage, and then after my three-week no-running restriction was lifted, I immediately came down with a stupid cold. Stupid enough to put me out for a week. And then last week happened, with my friend's family crisis, and my boss threatening things like "no promotion" and "a Performance Improvement Plan" if I didn't bust my ass and make all my deadlines anyway. And now I'm at today, five days from the race. I could do it if it were a 5k (3 miles) but I'm just asking for pain and to be very, very sorry afterwards if I tried to do the 10 miler. I know my friends will be disappointed, but I just can't do it.

Part of me is so depressed about this that I want to fall headfirst into a pint of Haagen-Daas after a severe pizza bender. Believe it or not, I've stayed away from ice cream (a major, major binge trigger for me), and though I've had pizza and some other "bad" things, I really haven't gone overboard. In fact, I've been eating less than I usually do, and it kills me that I've gained! Eight! Pounds!

As far as restriction goes, I don't have much. I do have to eat slower, take smaller bites, chew more thoroughly. If I'm not careful with things like thick bread or a big hunk of chicken, I get a "golf ball" feeling but it passes. I do seem to be able to stay fuller longer, but its not like, two bites of a sandwich and I'm good all day. Its more like, I eat 3/4 of what I'd normally eat and can go an extra 2 hours between meals without getting all tummy-rumbly and grumpy.