I emailed the OCC today, asking, on Sarah's suggestion, if I really did have the small, 4 cc band.
They wrote me back pretty quickly: I do.
How hilarious and ridiculous this is. I would be in some ridiculously small group of people for whom the band doesn't work. I have 4 cc's in my 4 cc band. That's maximum capacity. And today? I don't feel restricted at all. At lunch (out with coworkers) I ordered some stir-fried chicken at a Chinese restaurant (I meant to get the one with vegetables, but I screwed up and am too timid to send back my meals). I ignored the rice-- sometimes problematic for me-- and ate the whole thing. Not really meaning to; just caught up on conversation. But the whole plate was probably 2 cups of chicken. Sure I chewed slowly, I didn't have a thing to drink. I left feeling pleasantly full, not stuffed, but now I'm insanely harshing on myself for it. What the hell could possibly be wrong with me? How do I have a level of fill most people can't even approach-- in the small band-- and still eat like that?
More to the point, how is it that 52 days from my wedding, I am still eating out with coworkers. Having lowfat ice cream after dinner with my fiancee. Eating a cookie here or there when its lying around the office. Acting like I shouldn't be working my ass off to lose weight. I am the biggest moron in the world.
I think its pretty clear that I am, basically screwed. A monumental mistake on the order of $10,000. Good job, retard. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying and screaming and bashing myself in the head with something really hard. $10,000 would have doubled my wedding budget, put us several months ahead on our buy-a-house fund, put me in a good position to go back to school in the fall. I can't believe what I have done with that money, which was set in a little skinny-dreams-shaped pile and lit it on fire. What an idiot I am.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
detailed update
I haven't posted lately about specifics about my band.
1. Its been almost exactly five months since my surgery.
2. I've had three fills and am now at 4.0 ccs in a 4-cc band.
3. I would say my restriction, on an average day, is at about 3/4 of the way to where I'd like it to be. This means that my breakfast is small (less than half a cup), my lunch is medium (about a cup) and my dinner pretty significant (about half of what a pre-band dinner was, or about1.5+ cups).
4. Typical meals lately are:
breakfast
* Quaker low-sugar breakfast bar (similar to Nutri-grain) for 130 cals
* coffee with Splenda and sugar-free creamer for about 30 cals
lunch
* Lean Cuisine entree for 200 - 400 cals
* a small piece of fruit (2 clementines, half an apple) or sweet treat (100-cal cupcake pack)
snack
* Weight Watcher's low-fat, sugar-free yogurt
* half a can of fruit (fruit cocktail, pear halves) canned in Splenda
dinner
* basically anything under the sun, but about 1/3 to 1/2 of the portion I would normally eat.
5. My major weakness is the abundance of very tempting, unhealthy foods at the office, and the skinny, hot girls I work with that can hoover two slices of luscious fancy-bakery birthday cake (yesterday) or leftover cookies and brownies from meetings (Tuesday) with no trouble. And naughty things like that? My weakness, pre-banding, PLUS, they go down soooo easy compared to things like lettuce.
6. When I cook at home, I try hard to eat a vegetable every night and focus on protein. I have had a lot of trouble up until recently with a lot of the veggies I was accustomed to eating: broccoli, brussels sprouts, lettuce, carrots, etc. Dinners I have prepared recently: a Cooking Light recipe for turkey chili (lots of beans, onions, peppers, tomatoes, corn), a grilled stuffed-chicken recipe (inside: basil, mozzarella, garlic) over pasta and marinara, a store-bought rotisserie chicken with frozen mixed veggies, an admittedly less-virtuous pot roast with carrots, onions, and mashed potatoes.
7. Things I am still having trouble eating:
* bread - I can't have sandwiches anymore. I can manage pizza if I eat the toppings off of the dough, and afterwards I can pick at the dough in small quantities and not worry about it. I can't eat a whole roll or biscuit, but for example, on turkey chili day, I had a few little nibbles off of one of my fiancee's after I'd eaten about 3/4 of my chili. For the most part, I just avoid bread, which is kind of amazing given that I'd never before been able to give up bread (on one of my many attempts at low-carb dieting).
* rice - I have had a few painful experiences with rice. For instance, I love sushi, and its a pretty diet-friendly meal, also, because I tend to stick to the basics and avoid the fried or mayo-dressed options. However, yesterdy I ate a Lean Cuisine with rice in it with no trouble-- I have a feeling the LC rice was not a problem because it is soggy and overcooked, just by nature of being a reheated frozen meal. For the most part, I just avoid rice, or eat only a small amount when its part of a larger dish.
* fiber-y vegetables - As I mentioned above, cooked broccoli, cooked brussels sprouts, raw carrots and lettuce have all been bad experiences for me. A couple weeks ago I had a chopped salad at Outback-- in which the lettuce was already cut into small squares about the size of a hole-punch hole-- with no trouble. So think its a "chewing to paste" issue. How do you chew lettuce to paste? And also-- eww. I think the same issue goes with the broc, brussels, and raw carrots. I've been keeping my freezer full of peas, spinach, cooked carrots and mixes that don't have a lot of the troublesome veggies in them.
* fruits - Apples with skins were a painful lesson, as were some dried apricots. I have been eating clementines lately, and take the time to strip away as much of the white membranes and even the inner section skins (if you know what I mean) when I eat them. Apples without skins are fine. Bananas are fine though they are thick so I rarely get down a whole one. I have also been buying canned fruit in Splenda-syrups, because their texture helps them go down.
8. I have random pains in my upper stomach every now and then. Not every day and not every week, but now and again. It worries me because my brain automatically goes to OMG ITS A SLIP when really, there's no reason to think so. I just chalk it up to a cramp or a nerve being irritated by having, you know, a large foreign object in my abdomen and move on.
9. My scars are healed but they are still pretty dark against my very, very pale skin. I have that pale blonde-haired blue-eyed Irish girl skin and scars have always taken a long, long time to recede on me. I know I need to be patient. I didn't think I'd be as self-conscious as I am about my belly scars. I actually cried when admitting that to my fiancee a week or two ago. He has been behind me 100% on this band journey and was flabbergasted that I was so worked up about it. It doesn't bother him at all and he often kisses and caresses by belly with no sign of revulsion.
10. I am down to only a couple PB's (productive burps) a week. Usually it is something I've done that I know better than to do-- I've eaten something I know is problematic, or eaten too fast (when I've very hungry this happens), or chewed insufficiently, or-- most commonly-- gone one or two bites past when I know I can and should stop.
11. I have basically mastered eating without drinking. In fact, doing so accidentally (or because I was busy not caring that day) has caused me to PB a few times. So for the most part, I just avoid it with little effort. Its only tough when I inadvertently eat something spicy (I was, pre-band, a medium-spicy eater) or when I've not been cautious to keep up with my water between meals and find myself sitting down to eat when I'm really, really thirsty. Sometimes I'm eating when I'm not even hungry, just thirsty. I try to avoid that, but it does happen.
12. I am still hungry between meals. Before and after the surgery, I cruised lots of boards and blogs and read about people who found it impossible to eat more than, say, every 6 or 8 hours. Not me! I could eat every two hours, and I'm careful not to chase my food down with water or other beverages (except in the morning with my coffee-- more on this below). My appetite has decreased in general but I still notice it. Its frustrating and contributes to a significant amonut of the weight-loss-ruining between-meal snacking I've been doing.
13. I run in the mornings. Right now I'm doing minimal mileage-- 2 to 3 miles is a typical weekday morning-- but I'm in a half-marathon training group and I know from experience that I can't run at 6 a.m. and then wait until noon to get some carbs into me. I get shaky, sweaty, dizzy, and lightheaded. I have to be careful and make sure I eat something, PLUS, I am accustomed to eating breakfast and am usually pretty hungry! So I have been eating those bars with my coffee, which helps them go down. Some mornings they would go down without coffee, but there are plenty of mornings when I would too tight to get even half of the bar down. I do try the coffee first, then the bar, but sometimes the bar needs a little help.
14. I know this sounds crazy, and I'm not 100% positive, but there seems to be some correlation between running in the morning and being band-tight the rest of the day. If its true, I'm a big fan of that. But it can be frustrating (see 13). But for the most part? I'll take it. Burning calories and being tighter and therefore taking in less calories: sounds like a recipe for success to me.
15. I have 58 days until my wedding, and a dress that is being altered to fit my current body exactly. As crazy as it sounds, I'm not too motivated to lose a ton between now and then. Five or six pounds, that come straight off my butt, and minimize my chubby cheeks and double chin? Fine by me. But I'm not going to go all insane about it pre-wedding.
16. Fiber. Fiber, fiber, fiber, FIBER. I need more of it. I've been sporadically using Benefiber as a supplement but I need to do so more regularly because I know I'm not getting enough, and my digestive system is, by and large, not too pleased with me on that front.
17. I've been eating Flintstones Chewables, which my girlfriend who is pregnant insists is totally cool because lots of women use them pre-natally or during pregnancy. And I figure kids probably need more vitamins than adults, not less, so its okay. I need another bottle though; I'm out.
18. As far as medications go, I've really only needed the occasional headache or muscle-ache relief and have been using BC Headache Powders for that. I got accustomed to the taste pretty quickly and while its not pleasant, it doesn't really even bother me. And dude-- they DO work fast. Also, I have skin allergies and occasionally need an antihistamine. They make one my fiancee is always giving me-- Allegra, or the generic for it?-- that comes in a sublingual tablet-- basically you put it on or under your tongue and it just melts. Works just fine.
19. I still haven't divulged my secret to many people in my life. For one, I consider it an intensely private battle that I've been fighting a long time, and I've never been one to trumpet my WW meetings or drone on about the wonders of South Beach or whatever in casual conversation. But also, I want it to work before I start talking about it. I do have a small circle of supportive girlfriends that do know, and of course my fiancee, but I keep the list pretty short.
20. Which brings me to my last point: I have had a few moments of panic and fear. I am afraid that I took a $10,000 gamble and that I'm going to lose. I'm ashamed and embarassed that after 5 months, I've only lost 15 lbs. I am even more ashamed and embarassed that a surgery combined with my own wedding hasn't been enough of a motivator for me to really go into the post-surgery diet with "guns blazing" and avoid my weaknesses. I have eaten far, far more strictly in the past and gotten results. I can't imagine how awesome my progress would be combining the effects of the band with that kind of eating. I'd be in terrific shape in no time. I am very afraid that at the end of the day, I'll be $10,000 poorer and still fat. Very afraid.
1. Its been almost exactly five months since my surgery.
2. I've had three fills and am now at 4.0 ccs in a 4-cc band.
3. I would say my restriction, on an average day, is at about 3/4 of the way to where I'd like it to be. This means that my breakfast is small (less than half a cup), my lunch is medium (about a cup) and my dinner pretty significant (about half of what a pre-band dinner was, or about1.5+ cups).
4. Typical meals lately are:
breakfast
* Quaker low-sugar breakfast bar (similar to Nutri-grain) for 130 cals
* coffee with Splenda and sugar-free creamer for about 30 cals
lunch
* Lean Cuisine entree for 200 - 400 cals
* a small piece of fruit (2 clementines, half an apple) or sweet treat (100-cal cupcake pack)
snack
* Weight Watcher's low-fat, sugar-free yogurt
* half a can of fruit (fruit cocktail, pear halves) canned in Splenda
dinner
* basically anything under the sun, but about 1/3 to 1/2 of the portion I would normally eat.
5. My major weakness is the abundance of very tempting, unhealthy foods at the office, and the skinny, hot girls I work with that can hoover two slices of luscious fancy-bakery birthday cake (yesterday) or leftover cookies and brownies from meetings (Tuesday) with no trouble. And naughty things like that? My weakness, pre-banding, PLUS, they go down soooo easy compared to things like lettuce.
6. When I cook at home, I try hard to eat a vegetable every night and focus on protein. I have had a lot of trouble up until recently with a lot of the veggies I was accustomed to eating: broccoli, brussels sprouts, lettuce, carrots, etc. Dinners I have prepared recently: a Cooking Light recipe for turkey chili (lots of beans, onions, peppers, tomatoes, corn), a grilled stuffed-chicken recipe (inside: basil, mozzarella, garlic) over pasta and marinara, a store-bought rotisserie chicken with frozen mixed veggies, an admittedly less-virtuous pot roast with carrots, onions, and mashed potatoes.
7. Things I am still having trouble eating:
* bread - I can't have sandwiches anymore. I can manage pizza if I eat the toppings off of the dough, and afterwards I can pick at the dough in small quantities and not worry about it. I can't eat a whole roll or biscuit, but for example, on turkey chili day, I had a few little nibbles off of one of my fiancee's after I'd eaten about 3/4 of my chili. For the most part, I just avoid bread, which is kind of amazing given that I'd never before been able to give up bread (on one of my many attempts at low-carb dieting).
* rice - I have had a few painful experiences with rice. For instance, I love sushi, and its a pretty diet-friendly meal, also, because I tend to stick to the basics and avoid the fried or mayo-dressed options. However, yesterdy I ate a Lean Cuisine with rice in it with no trouble-- I have a feeling the LC rice was not a problem because it is soggy and overcooked, just by nature of being a reheated frozen meal. For the most part, I just avoid rice, or eat only a small amount when its part of a larger dish.
* fiber-y vegetables - As I mentioned above, cooked broccoli, cooked brussels sprouts, raw carrots and lettuce have all been bad experiences for me. A couple weeks ago I had a chopped salad at Outback-- in which the lettuce was already cut into small squares about the size of a hole-punch hole-- with no trouble. So think its a "chewing to paste" issue. How do you chew lettuce to paste? And also-- eww. I think the same issue goes with the broc, brussels, and raw carrots. I've been keeping my freezer full of peas, spinach, cooked carrots and mixes that don't have a lot of the troublesome veggies in them.
* fruits - Apples with skins were a painful lesson, as were some dried apricots. I have been eating clementines lately, and take the time to strip away as much of the white membranes and even the inner section skins (if you know what I mean) when I eat them. Apples without skins are fine. Bananas are fine though they are thick so I rarely get down a whole one. I have also been buying canned fruit in Splenda-syrups, because their texture helps them go down.
8. I have random pains in my upper stomach every now and then. Not every day and not every week, but now and again. It worries me because my brain automatically goes to OMG ITS A SLIP when really, there's no reason to think so. I just chalk it up to a cramp or a nerve being irritated by having, you know, a large foreign object in my abdomen and move on.
9. My scars are healed but they are still pretty dark against my very, very pale skin. I have that pale blonde-haired blue-eyed Irish girl skin and scars have always taken a long, long time to recede on me. I know I need to be patient. I didn't think I'd be as self-conscious as I am about my belly scars. I actually cried when admitting that to my fiancee a week or two ago. He has been behind me 100% on this band journey and was flabbergasted that I was so worked up about it. It doesn't bother him at all and he often kisses and caresses by belly with no sign of revulsion.
10. I am down to only a couple PB's (productive burps) a week. Usually it is something I've done that I know better than to do-- I've eaten something I know is problematic, or eaten too fast (when I've very hungry this happens), or chewed insufficiently, or-- most commonly-- gone one or two bites past when I know I can and should stop.
11. I have basically mastered eating without drinking. In fact, doing so accidentally (or because I was busy not caring that day) has caused me to PB a few times. So for the most part, I just avoid it with little effort. Its only tough when I inadvertently eat something spicy (I was, pre-band, a medium-spicy eater) or when I've not been cautious to keep up with my water between meals and find myself sitting down to eat when I'm really, really thirsty. Sometimes I'm eating when I'm not even hungry, just thirsty. I try to avoid that, but it does happen.
12. I am still hungry between meals. Before and after the surgery, I cruised lots of boards and blogs and read about people who found it impossible to eat more than, say, every 6 or 8 hours. Not me! I could eat every two hours, and I'm careful not to chase my food down with water or other beverages (except in the morning with my coffee-- more on this below). My appetite has decreased in general but I still notice it. Its frustrating and contributes to a significant amonut of the weight-loss-ruining between-meal snacking I've been doing.
13. I run in the mornings. Right now I'm doing minimal mileage-- 2 to 3 miles is a typical weekday morning-- but I'm in a half-marathon training group and I know from experience that I can't run at 6 a.m. and then wait until noon to get some carbs into me. I get shaky, sweaty, dizzy, and lightheaded. I have to be careful and make sure I eat something, PLUS, I am accustomed to eating breakfast and am usually pretty hungry! So I have been eating those bars with my coffee, which helps them go down. Some mornings they would go down without coffee, but there are plenty of mornings when I would too tight to get even half of the bar down. I do try the coffee first, then the bar, but sometimes the bar needs a little help.
14. I know this sounds crazy, and I'm not 100% positive, but there seems to be some correlation between running in the morning and being band-tight the rest of the day. If its true, I'm a big fan of that. But it can be frustrating (see 13). But for the most part? I'll take it. Burning calories and being tighter and therefore taking in less calories: sounds like a recipe for success to me.
15. I have 58 days until my wedding, and a dress that is being altered to fit my current body exactly. As crazy as it sounds, I'm not too motivated to lose a ton between now and then. Five or six pounds, that come straight off my butt, and minimize my chubby cheeks and double chin? Fine by me. But I'm not going to go all insane about it pre-wedding.
16. Fiber. Fiber, fiber, fiber, FIBER. I need more of it. I've been sporadically using Benefiber as a supplement but I need to do so more regularly because I know I'm not getting enough, and my digestive system is, by and large, not too pleased with me on that front.
17. I've been eating Flintstones Chewables, which my girlfriend who is pregnant insists is totally cool because lots of women use them pre-natally or during pregnancy. And I figure kids probably need more vitamins than adults, not less, so its okay. I need another bottle though; I'm out.
18. As far as medications go, I've really only needed the occasional headache or muscle-ache relief and have been using BC Headache Powders for that. I got accustomed to the taste pretty quickly and while its not pleasant, it doesn't really even bother me. And dude-- they DO work fast. Also, I have skin allergies and occasionally need an antihistamine. They make one my fiancee is always giving me-- Allegra, or the generic for it?-- that comes in a sublingual tablet-- basically you put it on or under your tongue and it just melts. Works just fine.
19. I still haven't divulged my secret to many people in my life. For one, I consider it an intensely private battle that I've been fighting a long time, and I've never been one to trumpet my WW meetings or drone on about the wonders of South Beach or whatever in casual conversation. But also, I want it to work before I start talking about it. I do have a small circle of supportive girlfriends that do know, and of course my fiancee, but I keep the list pretty short.
20. Which brings me to my last point: I have had a few moments of panic and fear. I am afraid that I took a $10,000 gamble and that I'm going to lose. I'm ashamed and embarassed that after 5 months, I've only lost 15 lbs. I am even more ashamed and embarassed that a surgery combined with my own wedding hasn't been enough of a motivator for me to really go into the post-surgery diet with "guns blazing" and avoid my weaknesses. I have eaten far, far more strictly in the past and gotten results. I can't imagine how awesome my progress would be combining the effects of the band with that kind of eating. I'd be in terrific shape in no time. I am very afraid that at the end of the day, I'll be $10,000 poorer and still fat. Very afraid.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
still don't have a new scale
But I am not caring right now.
I was supposed to run 4 miles with Galloway on Saturday, but I overslept, thanks to a loud snorer who chased me to the couch in the middle of the night. I was really frustrated with myself but I got up Sunday morning and hit the gym (we had snow and ice on the ground, plus temperatures around 3 degrees with the windchill) and ran 4 miles, using the Nike+ workout I downloaded about a week ago, Kara Goucher's Endurance Run (or something like that). It was actually really, really good and fun-- encouraging me to run four 4-minute intervals at a very fast pace, broken up by four4-minute recovery intervals. Since there isn't much of a difference between my "fast" and "recovery" paces, I would do the fast past for 4 minutes, then a minute of a brisk walk, then 3 minutes at my "slow" pace. I still felt like I got a rockin' good workout.
I also slipped on a patch of ice coming out of the gym and came down hard on my right knee. Ouch. Its not majorly hurt, just a little. Its sore and swollen. I have been taking it easy. I could probably have run this morning (two days later) but the stiffness is most noticeable first thing in the morning and I was being kind of a wimp about it.
I was supposed to run 4 miles with Galloway on Saturday, but I overslept, thanks to a loud snorer who chased me to the couch in the middle of the night. I was really frustrated with myself but I got up Sunday morning and hit the gym (we had snow and ice on the ground, plus temperatures around 3 degrees with the windchill) and ran 4 miles, using the Nike+ workout I downloaded about a week ago, Kara Goucher's Endurance Run (or something like that). It was actually really, really good and fun-- encouraging me to run four 4-minute intervals at a very fast pace, broken up by four4-minute recovery intervals. Since there isn't much of a difference between my "fast" and "recovery" paces, I would do the fast past for 4 minutes, then a minute of a brisk walk, then 3 minutes at my "slow" pace. I still felt like I got a rockin' good workout.
I also slipped on a patch of ice coming out of the gym and came down hard on my right knee. Ouch. Its not majorly hurt, just a little. Its sore and swollen. I have been taking it easy. I could probably have run this morning (two days later) but the stiffness is most noticeable first thing in the morning and I was being kind of a wimp about it.
Monday, January 14, 2008
my scale sux
Okay.
I am not posting a weight today because I think my scale might have had it.
I stepped on it this morning-- in the exact same position it is always in on the floor-- with my glasses on. I normally weigh myself post-run, pre-shower naked, and usually without my glasses. I wait for the thing to beep and then gracefully (heh) lean down really close to read the result. Yeah.
So this morning (I don't know why) I kept my glasses on and noticed that the scale vacillated wildly about 20 lbs in both directions before settling on a (disturbingly high) weight. Hmm. It wasn't doing that a few weeks ago when I had contacts in. I think maybe its about done in? Or am I just trying to blame my lack of weight loss on my poor, abused scale?
Its not that old, either, maybe 4 or 5 years old, but I did get it at Target. Its one of those jobbers with the metal plates to calculate body fat percentage.
However, running goals are sailing along nicely. Six runs so far in January with the goal of completing nine more before the end of the month. It was ridiculously cold this morning (mid-20's and really windy) and because of last week's unseasonably mild temps, I bee-bopped outside this morning in just knee-legth pants and a long-sleeved wicking tee, thinking that was all I would need. So I suffered for three miles but I guess that'll learn me. I have plotted several courses of small loops that go past my house so most of my runs right now are two loops, giving me a chance to shed clothing mid-run if I need to. So, it makes sense maybe to over-bundle rather than under-bundle, since I get warmer as the run progresses.
Man, I feel so good when I am in the running zone. So good. I can only imagine that those running endorphins will feel even awesomer as I lose some weight, and I'm faster and fitter.
Saturday I was so tight. I don't know if it was from the run, or what. I could hardly choke a thing down all day, and then Sunday I was ravenous and loose. I ate a lot. Today I seem to be pretty normal and am striving for a little self-control.
I am not posting a weight today because I think my scale might have had it.
I stepped on it this morning-- in the exact same position it is always in on the floor-- with my glasses on. I normally weigh myself post-run, pre-shower naked, and usually without my glasses. I wait for the thing to beep and then gracefully (heh) lean down really close to read the result. Yeah.
So this morning (I don't know why) I kept my glasses on and noticed that the scale vacillated wildly about 20 lbs in both directions before settling on a (disturbingly high) weight. Hmm. It wasn't doing that a few weeks ago when I had contacts in. I think maybe its about done in? Or am I just trying to blame my lack of weight loss on my poor, abused scale?
Its not that old, either, maybe 4 or 5 years old, but I did get it at Target. Its one of those jobbers with the metal plates to calculate body fat percentage.
However, running goals are sailing along nicely. Six runs so far in January with the goal of completing nine more before the end of the month. It was ridiculously cold this morning (mid-20's and really windy) and because of last week's unseasonably mild temps, I bee-bopped outside this morning in just knee-legth pants and a long-sleeved wicking tee, thinking that was all I would need. So I suffered for three miles but I guess that'll learn me. I have plotted several courses of small loops that go past my house so most of my runs right now are two loops, giving me a chance to shed clothing mid-run if I need to. So, it makes sense maybe to over-bundle rather than under-bundle, since I get warmer as the run progresses.
Man, I feel so good when I am in the running zone. So good. I can only imagine that those running endorphins will feel even awesomer as I lose some weight, and I'm faster and fitter.
Saturday I was so tight. I don't know if it was from the run, or what. I could hardly choke a thing down all day, and then Sunday I was ravenous and loose. I ate a lot. Today I seem to be pretty normal and am striving for a little self-control.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
two steps forward, one step back
God, I am having a fat day. You know? I feel huge and disgusting. Probably because I am wearing the black dress I wore to my wedding shower, and I just had to look at those pictures again to send to my aunt, and I am giant and fat and disgusting in them.
Also I overslept this morning. Because I was stressed and sleepless last night. Because of work and meeting the minister. So this morning it was raining and I was running late already so I skipped my run to come right to work, and now I am hating myself and my work and wishing I'd just done my run and said to hell with being at work early to get something done which didn't even get done because everything takes so freaking long to do and I am swamped at work.
You know, the things that trip me up, I always feel like it is only me that trips on something so retarded. I ate a piece of leftover coconut cake for breakfast this morning, because I was tired, and I hated being here, and I wished I had run, and I felt like a fat loser, and I was embarassed and full of self-loathing for telling the minister all the dumb shit I told him last night and for getting teary-eyed and doing that shaking thing.
We met the minister last night and I loved him. And he was a compassionate guy; he just oozed it. He works as a hospice chaplain, though he was a church minister for many years before. He has four kids. He's only enough to be my dad. I immediately locked-on with my daddy-approval-wantings and he asked me point-blank about my family situation, and I told him, and I tried not to cry, but got teary-eyed, and felt compelled to explain things, and just kept blathering on, and he reassured me that it was okay, but god I felt like a retard sitting there like I was confessing.
So yeah, hate myself, cried all night after getting home, ate cake for breakfast, hate myself.
Also I overslept this morning. Because I was stressed and sleepless last night. Because of work and meeting the minister. So this morning it was raining and I was running late already so I skipped my run to come right to work, and now I am hating myself and my work and wishing I'd just done my run and said to hell with being at work early to get something done which didn't even get done because everything takes so freaking long to do and I am swamped at work.
You know, the things that trip me up, I always feel like it is only me that trips on something so retarded. I ate a piece of leftover coconut cake for breakfast this morning, because I was tired, and I hated being here, and I wished I had run, and I felt like a fat loser, and I was embarassed and full of self-loathing for telling the minister all the dumb shit I told him last night and for getting teary-eyed and doing that shaking thing.
We met the minister last night and I loved him. And he was a compassionate guy; he just oozed it. He works as a hospice chaplain, though he was a church minister for many years before. He has four kids. He's only enough to be my dad. I immediately locked-on with my daddy-approval-wantings and he asked me point-blank about my family situation, and I told him, and I tried not to cry, but got teary-eyed, and felt compelled to explain things, and just kept blathering on, and he reassured me that it was okay, but god I felt like a retard sitting there like I was confessing.
So yeah, hate myself, cried all night after getting home, ate cake for breakfast, hate myself.
Monday, January 7, 2008
back in the game
215.6
This weekend I did pretty well, with my eating. I'm still not counting calories yet. I am still stressing enough with adding the running back in. I have been doing well with making sure I eat some fruits and veggies everyday and staying away from treats and easy foods, for the most part. I have a freezer full of those Green Giant boxed veggies in varieties I know I can get down-- lots of peas and carrots. I have snacks for this week: Splendafied Weight Watchers yogurts, plus some strawberries (fresh) and some Splendafied canned fruits for when the strawberries run out. I snagged M a half-gallon of the Edy's light ice cream this weekend while grocery shopping but picked a variety he loves and I like only a little, which has helped me have just a minimal amount.
I am still not managing breakfast. I had a sugar-free, fat-free latte after my run on Saturday, leftover roasted chicken for lunch, and a pot roast with carrots, onions, mushrooms and (naughty) mashed potatoes. Sunday I had, about 4 hours after getting up, three crackers with a wee bit of peanut butter and about half a banana, leftover roast with veggies for lunch, and a half-serving of pan-seared tilapia, couscous pilaf, and peas for supper. Both evenings I had a small amount (halfcup-ish) of light ice cream after dinner.
I had a little trouble with the tilapia and couscous, I'm not sure why. Possibly the couscous itself bothered me, though I've had no trouble with pasta so far. The couscous had dried cherries and slivered almonds in it, and possibly one of those hit the "reject" button because I had a little PB in the midst of enjoying my meal. Oh, well. Really I've been doing pretty well controlling those lately.
I am getting hungry between meals still, and I am trying not to reach for the easy/bad foods. I have gotten much more comfortable at not drinking with my meals and with pounding the water between meals. This weekend I think I snagged a few pretzels here and there, and a few crackers with goat cheese and olive tapenade (leftover from NYE party and M is a big fan).
I had my first group run with the new season group at Galloway on Saturday. A piece of cake two miles. But you know what? I need to remember that two years ago, running two miles was a huge accomplishment and to appreciate how far I've come.
Incidentally, my weight is going down again, which can probably be explained by the absence of holiday foods, and my renewed dedication to running. I love my Nike+ Nano, and getting back into the groove with Galloway is also very motivating: I know I won't be able to bang out those long runs on Saturdays unless I've done my "homework" during the week.
I also updated my running shoes this weekend. I have been running and working out in the Saucony Hurricane series for years and years now-- they are great for a girl on the heavy side with a small amount of overpronation and wide feet. They have a generous toebox and lots of cushioning. However, Saucony is discontinuing that line! So, I decided instead of getting myself a last pair or two of the Hurricane 9's, I would go ahead and find myself another pair of shoes to love. And I have: the Asics Gel-Kayano's. I have seen then often on the feet of other runners in my groups, but you know, running shoes can be very hard to recommend in such a fashion, since foot anatomy and gait have such a large effect on the suitability of a shoe for an individual. But, I tried a pair on, knowing that they boasted the inner workings for a person who needs stability control and lots of cushioning, and checked them out for my specific needs: wide toebox, low ankle profile, comfortable fit.
And? Sports Authority had the Gel-Kayano 13's on sale for $89, when they are a $135 shoe, because the 14's have just been released. Which I care not a whit about! And the 14's are so new that I haven't found that low price on the 13's at other stores (Phidippides, Zappos.com, etc.) yet.
My current pair of Saucony Hurricanes are really only about a year old. Most Serious Runners replace their shoes every six months, and rotate several pairs in and out. I am a "runner" and took most of the autumn off to recover from my band surgery. So my year-old pair is really maybe, oh, eight months old, and probably doesn't yet have the 500 miles that indicate the deep descent into worn out.
But! My Kayano's are so, so, so springy! I mean, I can actually feel almost a "bounce" from them. Man, the comparison between a year-old shoe and a brand-new shoe in terms of feel? So crazy different.
So yeah. I am going to continue to run in the Kayano's this week (this morning I clocked in a 3 miles and change run) and then maaaaybe talk myself into picking up another pair to rotate into the mix, since $89 is a great price for any running shoe, especially one from this line. And I'm also keeping a watchful eye out for some deeply-discounted Saucony Hurricanes before they disappear. (My Saucony Hurricanes are also on the order of $125 to $135 when brand-new, and aren't yet on sale for something awesome like $89.)
I love that I am back in the groove. I feel so good about myself when I come in from a run. I feel like I really accomplished something, and somehow I feel thinner, prettier, more attractive, and more competent. I have never had that "runner's high" that people speak of-- each run is hard work from start to finish-- but I surely do experience the endorphins afterwards. And that, besides the weightloss and health benefits? Give it to me.
This weekend I did pretty well, with my eating. I'm still not counting calories yet. I am still stressing enough with adding the running back in. I have been doing well with making sure I eat some fruits and veggies everyday and staying away from treats and easy foods, for the most part. I have a freezer full of those Green Giant boxed veggies in varieties I know I can get down-- lots of peas and carrots. I have snacks for this week: Splendafied Weight Watchers yogurts, plus some strawberries (fresh) and some Splendafied canned fruits for when the strawberries run out. I snagged M a half-gallon of the Edy's light ice cream this weekend while grocery shopping but picked a variety he loves and I like only a little, which has helped me have just a minimal amount.
I am still not managing breakfast. I had a sugar-free, fat-free latte after my run on Saturday, leftover roasted chicken for lunch, and a pot roast with carrots, onions, mushrooms and (naughty) mashed potatoes. Sunday I had, about 4 hours after getting up, three crackers with a wee bit of peanut butter and about half a banana, leftover roast with veggies for lunch, and a half-serving of pan-seared tilapia, couscous pilaf, and peas for supper. Both evenings I had a small amount (halfcup-ish) of light ice cream after dinner.
I had a little trouble with the tilapia and couscous, I'm not sure why. Possibly the couscous itself bothered me, though I've had no trouble with pasta so far. The couscous had dried cherries and slivered almonds in it, and possibly one of those hit the "reject" button because I had a little PB in the midst of enjoying my meal. Oh, well. Really I've been doing pretty well controlling those lately.
I am getting hungry between meals still, and I am trying not to reach for the easy/bad foods. I have gotten much more comfortable at not drinking with my meals and with pounding the water between meals. This weekend I think I snagged a few pretzels here and there, and a few crackers with goat cheese and olive tapenade (leftover from NYE party and M is a big fan).
I had my first group run with the new season group at Galloway on Saturday. A piece of cake two miles. But you know what? I need to remember that two years ago, running two miles was a huge accomplishment and to appreciate how far I've come.
Incidentally, my weight is going down again, which can probably be explained by the absence of holiday foods, and my renewed dedication to running. I love my Nike+ Nano, and getting back into the groove with Galloway is also very motivating: I know I won't be able to bang out those long runs on Saturdays unless I've done my "homework" during the week.
I also updated my running shoes this weekend. I have been running and working out in the Saucony Hurricane series for years and years now-- they are great for a girl on the heavy side with a small amount of overpronation and wide feet. They have a generous toebox and lots of cushioning. However, Saucony is discontinuing that line! So, I decided instead of getting myself a last pair or two of the Hurricane 9's, I would go ahead and find myself another pair of shoes to love. And I have: the Asics Gel-Kayano's. I have seen then often on the feet of other runners in my groups, but you know, running shoes can be very hard to recommend in such a fashion, since foot anatomy and gait have such a large effect on the suitability of a shoe for an individual. But, I tried a pair on, knowing that they boasted the inner workings for a person who needs stability control and lots of cushioning, and checked them out for my specific needs: wide toebox, low ankle profile, comfortable fit.
And? Sports Authority had the Gel-Kayano 13's on sale for $89, when they are a $135 shoe, because the 14's have just been released. Which I care not a whit about! And the 14's are so new that I haven't found that low price on the 13's at other stores (Phidippides, Zappos.com, etc.) yet.
My current pair of Saucony Hurricanes are really only about a year old. Most Serious Runners replace their shoes every six months, and rotate several pairs in and out. I am a "runner" and took most of the autumn off to recover from my band surgery. So my year-old pair is really maybe, oh, eight months old, and probably doesn't yet have the 500 miles that indicate the deep descent into worn out.
But! My Kayano's are so, so, so springy! I mean, I can actually feel almost a "bounce" from them. Man, the comparison between a year-old shoe and a brand-new shoe in terms of feel? So crazy different.
So yeah. I am going to continue to run in the Kayano's this week (this morning I clocked in a 3 miles and change run) and then maaaaybe talk myself into picking up another pair to rotate into the mix, since $89 is a great price for any running shoe, especially one from this line. And I'm also keeping a watchful eye out for some deeply-discounted Saucony Hurricanes before they disappear. (My Saucony Hurricanes are also on the order of $125 to $135 when brand-new, and aren't yet on sale for something awesome like $89.)
I love that I am back in the groove. I feel so good about myself when I come in from a run. I feel like I really accomplished something, and somehow I feel thinner, prettier, more attractive, and more competent. I have never had that "runner's high" that people speak of-- each run is hard work from start to finish-- but I surely do experience the endorphins afterwards. And that, besides the weightloss and health benefits? Give it to me.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Happy New Year's
217.6
For Christmas I got the new iPod Nano plus the Nike sport-kit, which allows you to use your Nano as both an MP3 player and a pretty tricked-out pedometer. It records your time, distance, pace, and stores 1,000 runs in your history, and does cool stuff like offer up verbal info at the press of a button and let you know when you've run a personal best.
It is awesome, and also motivating. I've been out on four runs since getting it! It does need to be calibrated, though. It says you can use it out of the box and that it is very accurate for most runners without calibration, but I am wicked short and wicked slow: it wildly overestimates the distances I cover by nearly 20% (mapped and measured using MapMyRun.com) and therefore, wildly overestimates my speed, which, while very gratifying, annoys me from an accuracy perspective. I did try to calibrate it on the treadmill at the gym but I didn't do it right, and then I found out from The Internet that I need to do the calibration on a track (as running on a treadmill results in very different pacing than running outside). So I think maybe this Sunday I will find a nearby high school track to do my calibration on.
Also this coming Saturday is the start of a new running group "season" with my local Galloway group. For anyone out there that is at all interested in running, I highly suggest starting with a Galloway group in your city. They are really spectacular for beginnings, and train on a run/walk method that everyone I know who has tried it-- from short lil' fatties like me to my tall, lean, fit 8-min-mile friend-- swears by for injury prevention and their personal best race times.
The group that is starting up Saturday is training for spring half-marathons, including Atlanta's second ING half-marathon, which unfortunately falls on the Saturday after my wedding: I'll be kicked back on a beach in Fiji. But, truly, I don't join the groups with the intent to run half-marathons. I'm not sure that length of a race is right for me. So far the longest race I've run is the Army Ten-Miler in DC, which is a nice, flat, even course, and those were 10 painful miles. Well, the last couple were, anyway. I enjoy shorter races, 5ks and 10ks. But, running with the group keeps me motivated and that works for me! It is so worth the $79 just for that reason.
I am trying not to go overboard with the New Year's Resolutions this year. I am the kind of person that sets myself up for failure so I can wallow in self-hate for the rest of the year. Here are the things I am shooting for this year, which I think you will agree are attainable:
1. Get married!
2. Monetary goals:
* pay off all wedding-related expenses this year
* after that, refocus financial attention on jointly funding the house savings avvount
* set a monthly allowance for each of us, and stay within that allowance each month
* set up my own personal Christmas savings account
* set up and begin funding joint vacation, car, and investment accounts
3. Weight loss goals:
* Run with Galloway all year
* Follow the bandster rules
* Force myself to eat fruit and vegetables every day
* Do not allow myself to rely daily on the easy foods (prime example: mashed potatoes do not count as a vegetable)
* Count calories as needed to make progress on the weight-loss front
* Use my iPod+sport kit to set myself monthly running goals and meet them
4. Get a dentist and go for a cleaning & checkup
5. Get new contacts and glasses
6. Restrict lunches out with coworkers to once a week
7. Complete my ASA and EA designations this year
8. Meet my billable goal at work this year by setting monthly goals and meeting them
9. Focus more time and energy on this blog, both for myself and others considering the lapband procedure
10. Focus on self-love and self-encouragement
Today I am had a coffee with Splenda and two small half-and-half containers for breakfast, and a midmorning snack of 4 strawberries, half a banana, and half a large container of lowfat yogurt.
Coffee: 25 cals
Yogurt with fruit: 188 cals
My coworker and friend G is back after two and a half weeks of vacation, and I've missed her! So we are going out to eat. We're going to Outback Steakhouse, though, and they have a decent lunchtime spread so I'm sure I'll find something reasonable to eat. Tonight I also have dinner out, with my closest girl friend who is returning home to Cali tomorrow. BUT, I did bust out a 2-mile, 30-min run this morning at 6:00 a.m., when temperatures were in the teens, so I am okay with that.
For Christmas I got the new iPod Nano plus the Nike sport-kit, which allows you to use your Nano as both an MP3 player and a pretty tricked-out pedometer. It records your time, distance, pace, and stores 1,000 runs in your history, and does cool stuff like offer up verbal info at the press of a button and let you know when you've run a personal best.
It is awesome, and also motivating. I've been out on four runs since getting it! It does need to be calibrated, though. It says you can use it out of the box and that it is very accurate for most runners without calibration, but I am wicked short and wicked slow: it wildly overestimates the distances I cover by nearly 20% (mapped and measured using MapMyRun.com) and therefore, wildly overestimates my speed, which, while very gratifying, annoys me from an accuracy perspective. I did try to calibrate it on the treadmill at the gym but I didn't do it right, and then I found out from The Internet that I need to do the calibration on a track (as running on a treadmill results in very different pacing than running outside). So I think maybe this Sunday I will find a nearby high school track to do my calibration on.
Also this coming Saturday is the start of a new running group "season" with my local Galloway group. For anyone out there that is at all interested in running, I highly suggest starting with a Galloway group in your city. They are really spectacular for beginnings, and train on a run/walk method that everyone I know who has tried it-- from short lil' fatties like me to my tall, lean, fit 8-min-mile friend-- swears by for injury prevention and their personal best race times.
The group that is starting up Saturday is training for spring half-marathons, including Atlanta's second ING half-marathon, which unfortunately falls on the Saturday after my wedding: I'll be kicked back on a beach in Fiji. But, truly, I don't join the groups with the intent to run half-marathons. I'm not sure that length of a race is right for me. So far the longest race I've run is the Army Ten-Miler in DC, which is a nice, flat, even course, and those were 10 painful miles. Well, the last couple were, anyway. I enjoy shorter races, 5ks and 10ks. But, running with the group keeps me motivated and that works for me! It is so worth the $79 just for that reason.
I am trying not to go overboard with the New Year's Resolutions this year. I am the kind of person that sets myself up for failure so I can wallow in self-hate for the rest of the year. Here are the things I am shooting for this year, which I think you will agree are attainable:
1. Get married!
2. Monetary goals:
* pay off all wedding-related expenses this year
* after that, refocus financial attention on jointly funding the house savings avvount
* set a monthly allowance for each of us, and stay within that allowance each month
* set up my own personal Christmas savings account
* set up and begin funding joint vacation, car, and investment accounts
3. Weight loss goals:
* Run with Galloway all year
* Follow the bandster rules
* Force myself to eat fruit and vegetables every day
* Do not allow myself to rely daily on the easy foods (prime example: mashed potatoes do not count as a vegetable)
* Count calories as needed to make progress on the weight-loss front
* Use my iPod+sport kit to set myself monthly running goals and meet them
4. Get a dentist and go for a cleaning & checkup
5. Get new contacts and glasses
6. Restrict lunches out with coworkers to once a week
7. Complete my ASA and EA designations this year
8. Meet my billable goal at work this year by setting monthly goals and meeting them
9. Focus more time and energy on this blog, both for myself and others considering the lapband procedure
10. Focus on self-love and self-encouragement
Today I am had a coffee with Splenda and two small half-and-half containers for breakfast, and a midmorning snack of 4 strawberries, half a banana, and half a large container of lowfat yogurt.
Coffee: 25 cals
Yogurt with fruit: 188 cals
My coworker and friend G is back after two and a half weeks of vacation, and I've missed her! So we are going out to eat. We're going to Outback Steakhouse, though, and they have a decent lunchtime spread so I'm sure I'll find something reasonable to eat. Tonight I also have dinner out, with my closest girl friend who is returning home to Cali tomorrow. BUT, I did bust out a 2-mile, 30-min run this morning at 6:00 a.m., when temperatures were in the teens, so I am okay with that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
