two weeks post third fill

215.4

That's a 3.4 lb loss in two weeks since my last fill, and my lazy, sorry ass has not been trying that hard.

This isn't the Whine About My Life blog, it is the lap band blog. But some things I have to whine about affect my weight loss, so here goes.

I am beginning to learn about the difference between physical and mental hungers. It seems strange that I could make it to 28 without really understanding the distinction, but apparently I have. I am much more motivated by emotional and habitual hungers than I am physical hungers. The holiday seasons have always been challenging for me (tiny violins) and this one seems to be no exception.

Without going into too much detail, I am estranged from most of the family that raised me. There has been much turmoil in that part of my life this year, and although estrangement at the holidays is not a totally painless arrangement, it is the best choice of several miserable options. I still have my fiancee M and my sister T, and many, many loving friends, some of whom have essentially inducted me into their own families. I really don't have much to complain about.

Except, M is away on a business trip. We're hoping he'll return as scheduled on Saturday the 22nd, but there is no guarantee. He's already missed several holiday events. I know those things don't matter, but in a way they do. I feel lonely without him, and I feel isolated. I have been blue, thinking too much about another Christmas, feeling like an outsider with my nose pressed to the glass, looking in at other families enjoying their happy family holidays.

So what does this mean? Oh, very little self-control when it comes to what goes into my mouth. I have indulged far too much in the holiday treats and desserts that seem be everywhere. I have consoled myself with comfort foods rather than striven for healthful, low-calorie meals. And, amazingly, I have still managed to lose 3.4 lbs doing that.

This band is amazing.

I have noticed that even when my band is telling me, "Hey you! Pouch is full!" My brain wants to keep eating. And my brain is so very, very persuasive when it is convincing me that sure, I can have that little chocolate truffle over there, it melts and goes down soooo easy.

Last weekend I ran out of my breakfast staple, oatmeal. So I rummaged around, hungry, and came up with some dried apricots and dried prunes, leftover ingredients from Thanksgiving. I took my time, chewed them slowly, and my god: experienced the worst PB I've had since getting banded. I felt, while it was happening and for a long time afterward, like I'd been kicked in the chest. It wasn't just uncomfortable, it hurt!

So anyway. I ejected the apricots and suffered for a few hours, unable to eat anything, but hungry and in pain. And I eventually dragged my ass to Chick-fil-A and ordered a big ol' chocolate milkshake and sucked it down, gleefully. It felt so soothing, to be able to consume something so easily. It was comforting but I regretted it for days afterward.

I have also been comforting myself since I am lonely and feeling emotionally vulnerable at this time of year, by sneaking cookies and snagging chocolates. I want desperately to stop. What kind of girl isn't motivated by her impending wedding a mere three months away to keep her stupid hand out of the stupid cookie jar?!

And. This is compounded by the fact that perversely, certain healthy foods that I enjoy seem to be problematic for me. The apricots were the most painful PB I've had, followed by sauteed brussels sprouts. Also, broccoli, salad, and apples with their skins still on (deskinned seem okay) have proven problematic. So when I'm eating in front of other people, I tend to shy away from things that might cause me to rush to the bathroom, and instead order mashed potatoes or something like that.

In any case. I am working on-- for example, my discovered that peeling my apples makes all the difference-- and giving myself a break, recognizing that I am still adjutsing. And, really, has there been any other point in my life when I've been completely disinterested in "dieting" and yet lost 3.4 lbs in two weeks? Absolutely not.