215.4
That's a 3.4 lb loss in two weeks since my last fill, and my lazy, sorry ass has not been trying that hard.
This isn't the Whine About My Life blog, it is the lap band blog. But some things I have to whine about affect my weight loss, so here goes.
I am beginning to learn about the difference between physical and mental hungers. It seems strange that I could make it to 28 without really understanding the distinction, but apparently I have. I am much more motivated by emotional and habitual hungers than I am physical hungers. The holiday seasons have always been challenging for me (tiny violins) and this one seems to be no exception.
Without going into too much detail, I am estranged from most of the family that raised me. There has been much turmoil in that part of my life this year, and although estrangement at the holidays is not a totally painless arrangement, it is the best choice of several miserable options. I still have my fiancee M and my sister T, and many, many loving friends, some of whom have essentially inducted me into their own families. I really don't have much to complain about.
Except, M is away on a business trip. We're hoping he'll return as scheduled on Saturday the 22nd, but there is no guarantee. He's already missed several holiday events. I know those things don't matter, but in a way they do. I feel lonely without him, and I feel isolated. I have been blue, thinking too much about another Christmas, feeling like an outsider with my nose pressed to the glass, looking in at other families enjoying their happy family holidays.
So what does this mean? Oh, very little self-control when it comes to what goes into my mouth. I have indulged far too much in the holiday treats and desserts that seem be everywhere. I have consoled myself with comfort foods rather than striven for healthful, low-calorie meals. And, amazingly, I have still managed to lose 3.4 lbs doing that.
This band is amazing.
I have noticed that even when my band is telling me, "Hey you! Pouch is full!" My brain wants to keep eating. And my brain is so very, very persuasive when it is convincing me that sure, I can have that little chocolate truffle over there, it melts and goes down soooo easy.
Last weekend I ran out of my breakfast staple, oatmeal. So I rummaged around, hungry, and came up with some dried apricots and dried prunes, leftover ingredients from Thanksgiving. I took my time, chewed them slowly, and my god: experienced the worst PB I've had since getting banded. I felt, while it was happening and for a long time afterward, like I'd been kicked in the chest. It wasn't just uncomfortable, it hurt!
So anyway. I ejected the apricots and suffered for a few hours, unable to eat anything, but hungry and in pain. And I eventually dragged my ass to Chick-fil-A and ordered a big ol' chocolate milkshake and sucked it down, gleefully. It felt so soothing, to be able to consume something so easily. It was comforting but I regretted it for days afterward.
I have also been comforting myself since I am lonely and feeling emotionally vulnerable at this time of year, by sneaking cookies and snagging chocolates. I want desperately to stop. What kind of girl isn't motivated by her impending wedding a mere three months away to keep her stupid hand out of the stupid cookie jar?!
And. This is compounded by the fact that perversely, certain healthy foods that I enjoy seem to be problematic for me. The apricots were the most painful PB I've had, followed by sauteed brussels sprouts. Also, broccoli, salad, and apples with their skins still on (deskinned seem okay) have proven problematic. So when I'm eating in front of other people, I tend to shy away from things that might cause me to rush to the bathroom, and instead order mashed potatoes or something like that.
In any case. I am working on-- for example, my discovered that peeling my apples makes all the difference-- and giving myself a break, recognizing that I am still adjutsing. And, really, has there been any other point in my life when I've been completely disinterested in "dieting" and yet lost 3.4 lbs in two weeks? Absolutely not.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
minor freakout
I hate pictures of myself so much that I go to great lengths to avoid being photographed. There are only a few pictures of me from the last few years because I've gotten pretty good at this. Most of my friends that would, on occasion, tote around a camera have learned to accomodate my shyness, and all is well.
All is well, except for one friend's wife. She takes her digital camera everywhere and my camera-shyness only motivates her more to take pictures of me. Well, she is part of a small group of girls that has been getting together lately for Girls' Nights. The first time, we went salsa-dancing. This past Saturday, we had a cookie-baking extravaganza at my place, and she took about 30 pictures that included me.
Yesterday, she emailed them out to the group. I look terrible. I can't stand to look at my huge fatness and avoid looking at myself in the mirror-- even just my face. I don't put on makeup largely because of this uncomfortableness, and I rarely model the day's clothing in the long mirror, either. I hate looking at myself. It isn't motivating to me, its depressing. Emailing out 30 terrible pictures of me to other people is not just forcing me to look at myself and be ashamed, but is also excruciatingly humiliating because other people get to look at those awful pictures of me and silently thank their deity that they aren't fat like me.
So yeah, I had a little freakout. I had to run by the grocery store on the way home last night to get some supplies for this week's meals (baked potatoes with lowfat sour cream, lowfat cheese, and lean turkey bacon; cheese tortellini with lean turkey sausage and marinara sauce), and I was in such a funk that I grabbed a box of brownie mix. And made brownies last night. And ate about a third of a pan (with milk) and of course, felt like a huge failure all night.
Now I am in full avoidance mode: I avoided the scale this morning for the first time in weeks.
I am so mad at myself. After Saturday's cookie day, I managed to eat only a couple cookies and I gave all the rest away on Sunday so they were out of temptation's reach. And then Monday I go and blow it, big time. I don't understand how I can be such a rational person about other things in my life, but then look at fat pictures of myself and say, "Gee, I'm so sad to be fat. What will fix that? Hmmm, eating a whole pan of brownies!"
All is well, except for one friend's wife. She takes her digital camera everywhere and my camera-shyness only motivates her more to take pictures of me. Well, she is part of a small group of girls that has been getting together lately for Girls' Nights. The first time, we went salsa-dancing. This past Saturday, we had a cookie-baking extravaganza at my place, and she took about 30 pictures that included me.
Yesterday, she emailed them out to the group. I look terrible. I can't stand to look at my huge fatness and avoid looking at myself in the mirror-- even just my face. I don't put on makeup largely because of this uncomfortableness, and I rarely model the day's clothing in the long mirror, either. I hate looking at myself. It isn't motivating to me, its depressing. Emailing out 30 terrible pictures of me to other people is not just forcing me to look at myself and be ashamed, but is also excruciatingly humiliating because other people get to look at those awful pictures of me and silently thank their deity that they aren't fat like me.
So yeah, I had a little freakout. I had to run by the grocery store on the way home last night to get some supplies for this week's meals (baked potatoes with lowfat sour cream, lowfat cheese, and lean turkey bacon; cheese tortellini with lean turkey sausage and marinara sauce), and I was in such a funk that I grabbed a box of brownie mix. And made brownies last night. And ate about a third of a pan (with milk) and of course, felt like a huge failure all night.
Now I am in full avoidance mode: I avoided the scale this morning for the first time in weeks.
I am so mad at myself. After Saturday's cookie day, I managed to eat only a couple cookies and I gave all the rest away on Sunday so they were out of temptation's reach. And then Monday I go and blow it, big time. I don't understand how I can be such a rational person about other things in my life, but then look at fat pictures of myself and say, "Gee, I'm so sad to be fat. What will fix that? Hmmm, eating a whole pan of brownies!"
Monday, December 3, 2007
third fill
218.8
Yes, that's 2.4 lbs up from my lowest post-fill weight, which happened after the second fill. The second fill worked perfectly for two weeks and then *POOF* I was back to the minimal amount of restriction I had after the first fill.
10/20/2007: First fill of 2.4 ccs, total 2.4 ccs
11/03/2007: Second fill of 0.8 ccs, total 3.2 ccs
12/01/2007: Third fill of 0.8 ccs, total 4.0 ccs
People, I have the Inamed 10 cm band, which has a nominal maximum capacity of 4 ccs. Darlene said not to worry, though, and that it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with my band. In fact, she pulled all the saline out twice to make sure it was all there-- and it was. She explained that everyone's stomach anatomy was different. If the surgeon puts a small band around someone whose stomach is large at the top where the band is placed, they may need very little in the way of fills to get good restriction. If, on the other hand, the patient's stomach is actually small up top, that patient will need more fills to get to a good restriction. She also said I had a small pouch top so its not like I'm really at the right restriction but just not noticing it because I have a lot of room to put food in.
I hope this is it. I will be really disappointed if it isn't. Also, 4 ccs is the nominal maximum for my band. I know that people can, and do, safely exceed the maximum but I am worried since where will I go from here? I can't go up much more. I envy those people with their 1/4 cup post-band meals.
Last night I had a dinner with friends. I had about half of what I'd normally eat-- a small piece of chicken, a few bites of a spinach salad, a few green beans, a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. I had no problems. I had, however, just recently finished a glass of wine when we sat down to the table so its possible that my pouch hadn't emptied the wine and that I broke the "no liquids with meals" rule inadvertently.
This morning I am being much more virtuous in that respect and I had half a water bottle on the way into work before making my pack of oatmeal, which I have only been able to eat half of. Whee!
We have free breakfast at work on Mondays and today's was Chick-fil-A. I snagged two chicken biscuits, which I plan to denude of the fatty, nutritionally devoid biscuits and eat just the chicken for lunch.
Yes, that's 2.4 lbs up from my lowest post-fill weight, which happened after the second fill. The second fill worked perfectly for two weeks and then *POOF* I was back to the minimal amount of restriction I had after the first fill.
10/20/2007: First fill of 2.4 ccs, total 2.4 ccs
11/03/2007: Second fill of 0.8 ccs, total 3.2 ccs
12/01/2007: Third fill of 0.8 ccs, total 4.0 ccs
People, I have the Inamed 10 cm band, which has a nominal maximum capacity of 4 ccs. Darlene said not to worry, though, and that it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with my band. In fact, she pulled all the saline out twice to make sure it was all there-- and it was. She explained that everyone's stomach anatomy was different. If the surgeon puts a small band around someone whose stomach is large at the top where the band is placed, they may need very little in the way of fills to get good restriction. If, on the other hand, the patient's stomach is actually small up top, that patient will need more fills to get to a good restriction. She also said I had a small pouch top so its not like I'm really at the right restriction but just not noticing it because I have a lot of room to put food in.
I hope this is it. I will be really disappointed if it isn't. Also, 4 ccs is the nominal maximum for my band. I know that people can, and do, safely exceed the maximum but I am worried since where will I go from here? I can't go up much more. I envy those people with their 1/4 cup post-band meals.
Last night I had a dinner with friends. I had about half of what I'd normally eat-- a small piece of chicken, a few bites of a spinach salad, a few green beans, a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. I had no problems. I had, however, just recently finished a glass of wine when we sat down to the table so its possible that my pouch hadn't emptied the wine and that I broke the "no liquids with meals" rule inadvertently.
This morning I am being much more virtuous in that respect and I had half a water bottle on the way into work before making my pack of oatmeal, which I have only been able to eat half of. Whee!
We have free breakfast at work on Mondays and today's was Chick-fil-A. I snagged two chicken biscuits, which I plan to denude of the fatty, nutritionally devoid biscuits and eat just the chicken for lunch.
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