update

I'm not weighing myself anymore, I haven't in about a month. Its kind of hard to believe since its been years since I've gone more than a week without weighing in.

I've been a little tummy-sick since getting back from the honeymoon. Yesterday morning I ran a nice hilly two-mile loop but the last quarter-mile was terrible, because I had nausea and stomach cramps. I thought for sure I was going to vomit (or worse) but somehow I made it home.

This morning I cleaned the kitchen and walked my dog instead of running. My house is a total wreck. My in-laws stayed with us the week preceding the wedding and, well, let's just say there's alot to do in the wake of them, the wedding preparations, and then giant piles of presents and luggage descending immediately after the honeymoon didn't help either. Its so crazy at home that I can hardly stand it, and I am by no means a neat freak.

One strange thing has happened: when I was in New Zealand, the last hotel we stayed at (three days) had a breakfast buffet with locally made, fresh yogurt. It was unsweetened but surprisingly good. Since we got back, I decided to buy a container of my favorite yogurt, Stonyfield's lowfat, and instead of sweetening it with Splenda and vanilla like I normally would, I left it plain. I've been adding to it my normal fresh raspberries and granola (Kashi) and lo and behold-- I don't even miss the sweet!

I had that for breakfast. For lunch, two cups of leftover pasta (gemelli, lowfat alfredo sauce, peas, pancetta) and two cups of watermelon chunks. Now, granted, the watermelon chunks are kinda "wet" but since they weren't juice, I would guess they don't break any band rules. But I totally ate FOUR CUPS of lunch today. With a band at full fill. Seriously. And I will almost certainly be hungry in midafternoon for a snack.

I'm almost back to normal on my sleep schedule, too, which will help some with the appetite. But lord, I don't know if the diahrrea or what, I have been very hungry since I got back from the honeymoon.

i'm back

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since February. March was a busy month for me. We got married on the 22nd of March. Just got back from the honeymoon this weekend and I've been jetlagged. Thanks for worrying after me, Sarah.

Well, where am I with my band?

I can't say for sure. I had debiltating amounts of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the wedding. I had a crisis of self-esteem and I asked my now-husband to hide the scale, which he did. I bought a book called Intuitive Eating, recommended to me by someone that is decidedly anti-diet. I read it in those last few weeks, trying really hard to give myself some way to not hate my body. Some way to not feel disgusting and fat in my wedding dress, ashamed of myself and burdened by it. I didn't even really try to do what they suggested, beyond telling myself I am not bad, deficient, unlovable as a person because of what I do or don't eat. I didn't really try to eat intuitively or give up on the band, I just tried to stop hurting myself.

I'm not going to say it "worked," because I felt conflicted the whole day, and still do. Some parts I really enjoyed. Others-- for example, being photographed and then having to look at those photos later-- were excruciating for me. I am still deeply ashamed of myself for how fat I am in that wedding dress. I didn't want it to be like that. I really got my hopes up after the band and engagement, thinking I would roll down the aisle much thinner than that. But I still have good memories, happy feelings. They are just, unfortunately, mixed with the bad.

I don't know what to do about the band. M and I discussed it some while we were away on the honeymoon (two amazing weeks in Fiji and New Zealand). His suggestions inluded: go back to Dr. Ortiz, join the Emory support group, find a local therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to work through some of my emotional food issues, reread the book and give the Intuitive Eating method a for-serious try. I have no idea what I am going to do next. I am too tired to think about it.

Well, that's not true. Tomorrow morning I am going to get up and run. I am going to walk my dog. I am going to shower, and go back to work for the first time in three weeks. I am going to eat when I am hungry and tell myself that its perfectly fine. That I am a lovable, worthwhile person at a size 16/18. After that I am not sure yet. I just really want to get to a place where I am free of the self-loathing, where I can accept my body. I had hoped I could do those things just by losing the weight I want to lose. But it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

why does my band hate me?

I mean, seriously.

Today I had coffee for breakfast (Splenda, a wee pour of no-sugar creamer) and then a salad for lunch. I am trying for a little bit of South Beach action this week since bread is really the only thing left that disagrees with my band, and its not any good for me anyway. So I packed 4 cups of lettuce, cukes, 1.5 oz of lean turkey and ham lunch meat, 1.5 oz of lowfat provolone, and 2 Tbsp of Ken's Steakhouse light balsamic vinaigrette (50 cals for 2 Tbsp).

I ate the whole f#%$ing thing.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

I didn't break any band rules. I hadn't had a sip of water or coffee since about at hour prior to lunch, and surely didn't have any at lunch. I ate slowly and chewed well, sure, but I didn't go to any special efforts. I feel comfortable now, but at no point did I feel full. I finished inside of about 30 minutes, with time in between bites spent talking to my two girlfriends at work that I lunch with every day.

Why should I feel so terrible about eating such a virtuous lunch? Because I should be getting full on WAY LESS THAN THAT. I have FOUR CCS in my FOUR CC band. I only really feel restriction first thing in the morning anymore, and breakfast was never a dangerous meal for me. I emailed the OCC and they told me to come in for a follwup. I can't afford the time OR money to fly to San Diego right now. I need another fill, obviously, but I'm not sure my fill nurse will give it to me. I am so at the bottom of the abyss when it comes to willpower right now because I have staggering amounts of anxiety about my imending wedding. And I hate myself with a white-hot heat for not losing any weight before wedding like every other woman on the planet manages to do. I don't understand what's wrong with me.

i really just can't

I haven't weighed myself in a week and I really just can't. I am seriously considering throwing out the scale.

I've been in an incredible funk that I haven't even really been able to vocalize.

My sister, who has always been exceptionally petite, has lost 26 lbs in the last three months. Basically, she was inspired by the fact that she had to order a size 8 dress to wear in my wedding. So she cut down her already very, very ascetic vegetarian diet even more. Swapped out her regular Cokes for a couple diet sodas. Ate even less than before. And lost 26 lbs in three months.

Three months in which I had a lap band. That I paid $10,000 to have surgically implanted inside my body. And my fat ass still weighs the same. I cannot explain how much I hate myself. I am so depressed I can't even make myself go through the motions of life. I basically did nothing all weekend but hide from the world and eat. I hate myself, I can't stand to even think about my upcoming wedding, and everything-- from my weight to the wedding to a stupid work-related trip to Chicago I have to take today-- fills me with incredible anxiety and dread. I have slept very little and had a constant, unrelenting headache since last Thursday. I am so miserable that I don't know what to do. I should be happy right now. But I'm not. Because I don't deserve to be.

I made and ate an entire pan of brownies this weekend. Also a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese. And cereal with milk. I don't even care anymore. It doesn't even matter.

still frustrated

218.0

My fiancee M got on a plane headed to Japan today. He has been "at home"-- making "at home" pay, which is minimal-- for a very long stretch, almost two months. We have only 38 days until the wedding, and he needed to get another job done before the wedding, for budgetary reasons. However, as his jobs typically last 3 to 5 weeks, we were hoping it would not be scrunched up so close to the wedding date itself. Japan is looking like it might only require two weeks of his time, but he might get sent out to another job that is "on fire" in Congo right after. We'll see.

In any case, I am sad to see him go, sad to have this giant mountain of wedding work in front me to conquer all on my own. But, that is life. Its his job, and I deal with it.

Today I am wearing another new wardrobe component from Lands' End: this sweater twinset in lavender with some grey pants I already own, belted because they are big on me.

This morning I ran the same 3-mile loop that I ran last week and felt so good about. Instead of doing it in 42 minutes (like last week), I did it in 46 minutes. And it was low 50's, breezy, humid. In other words: excellent running weather. I was plenty awake, as I embarked on my run at 6:30 a.m. after an hourlong round-trip to drop M at the airport-- we'd been up since a quarter to 5:00. I've been doing plenty of running in between. Is it that I am a whole 1.4 lbs fatter and that is slowing me down? Is my brain telling me I'm fatter and therefore I need to slow down? Was it just my melancholy mood throwing me off?

Yesterday I had a breakfast bar and a cup of coffee, some Morningstar Farm buffalo bites with cucumber, tomatoes, and light blue cheese dressing for lunch, a banana around 3:00 p.m., leftover pot roast for dinner, and some light ice cream later with M. All reasonable, healthy amounts. In fact lunch was pretty small.

My challenge for today is to NOT go home and eat a bucket of mashed potatoes and the rest of the container of ice cream feeling sorry for myself.

please kill me

218.8

*bangs head on desk-- viciously*

I'm so upset about this I don't even really want to discuss it. I worked really freaking hard last week. Really hard.

This weekend was a little tougher. I overslept Saturday and missed my 3.5-mile run (not a huge deal). My fiancee came home Saturday at lunch time, so I picked him up at the airport and since we were out and about, we stopped at Chipotle for lunch and I had the top "half" of a burrito bowl (mostly the chicken, salsa, cheese, and beans-- ignored most of the rice). Ravioli for dinner (I don't know why, but it was gross). Root beer floats made with Diet Barq's and Edy's Light vanilla for dessert. Sunday: breakfast bar, Panera black bean soup and half a turkey sandwich, pot roast with mashed potatoes for dinner, "diet" root beer floats.

Monday morning: short run and disastrous weigh-in.

Okay, I could have been way, way more virtuous over the weekend. Could have left the cheese off my burrito bowl, could have had something less heavy than pasta for dinner Saturday, could have skipped the not-band-friendly ice cream, could have avoided the against-bandster-rules soup at lunch on Sunday, could have prepared something more virtuous than pot roast for Sunday dinner.

But seriously. That not only did away with the previous week's good behavior but slapped an extra 1.4 pounds on my ass? What the hell?!

I don't want to talk about it.

My wardrobe has been in sad shape recently. I was banded last August, but I had been researching and pondering the possibilities for months before that. And I was really convinced that this would work for me, so even before we left to go get the band put in, I decided to stop buying new clothes for a while, and live with what I have. Because surely, by February 22nd-- my 6-month "bandiversary"-- I would be rocking a much smaller size. What would be the sense in investing a lot of money in clothes that I was soon going to "shrink out of"?

Hah. Sadly, in those 6 months it appears that I have permanently done away with only 12 lbs. What a waste. And my wardrobe-- particularly my work wardrobe-- has suffered badly. Since college, I have been telling myself that any day now, I will get this weight loss thing figured out, and find myself at a good size. A reasonable size. A decent size. And when I'm at that size-- no telling what it is-- I will allow myself to buy quality clothing. Until then, I can buy myself only crap-- stuff on the clearance racks at Target, Old Navy. Every year or two I will break down and buy some decent work clothes at Lane Bryant, but for the most part everything I buy for myself is under $20, ill-fitting, and cheaply-constructed.

Most of what I own is falling apart. Button-downs are too tight in the bust, sweaters are sprouting holes or coming apart at the seams. I have pants that are miserably faded, showing alarming wear at the seams, threatening to split down the back. I have several cardigans that are too small, too worn, missing buttons, completely worn out. Every day when I dress for work I look in my closet for something I can safety-pin into service that won't be terribly embarassing.

A couple weeks ago I went to work in a brown/cream/red plaid skirt with a brown twinset from Target. The skirt is in reasonable shape (though I don't wear it often because it rides uncomfortably close to my port) but the brown twinset was just sad. I have had it about a year, maybe a little longer. Since it was cheaply made, it was badly faded. Some of the buttons in the chest area were stretched and about to fall off. The shell had a hole in the back where the fabric was just giving way. And the cardigan top had a seam at the bottom that was just completely coming apart-- a huge gaping hole. I didn't notice this hole until I got to work and it was pointed out by a friendly coworker. Of course I already felt like I looked like crap, and her pointing out that my sweater was basically unraveling right off of my body made me more self-conscious. I was supposed to go out to dinner that night with friends to celebrate two birthdays, one of them mine. I was humiliated to show up at this fancy restaurant in this awful sweater.

So after work I made M drive me across the street to Old Navy and just swiped something out of the clearance rack. It was a big, chunky, deep-V-necked cream-colored sweater (and a matching camisole)-- the sweater was $12.99. Of course, big chunky knits aren't flattering on chesty girls. Its kinda... huge. I mean, it covered me up, it was warm, it was not as hideous as the brown mess I was wearing. But it wasn't chosen for how good it looks on me, its quality, how useful it would be in my wardrobe, etc. It was on sale, it went with the skirt, it fit me, I bought it. And in another 6 - 12 months, it will be in the same shape as the brown mess I was wearing, and it'll get pitched, too. Another $12.99 + tax down the drain.

Last week I decided I was no longer going to do that. I don't save any money by constantly replacing wardrobe basics (like twinsets, work pants, etc.) with more low-quality stuff that will soon need replacing. And I'm not doing my appearance any favors by buying things in that manner. I'm not doing my career any favors by showing up dressed poorly. And I'm doing some kind of subtle damage to my own psyche by telling myself that I will "deserve" nice clothes when I'm some future, smaller, acceptable size.

So anyway, last week I spent some time hunting around online for places to buy reasonably-priced, high-quality plus-size clothing, mostly basics. I had a few things at Lands' End and J. Jill that I was interested in. M suggested that we go down to Sears on Sunday-- they carry Lands' End in their stores-- and check out the selection. So we did. And I was so impressed! And M insisted on buying me several outfits, some for regular work wear and some for the honeymoon.

Their XL is generous and I ended up with a few sweaters in their regular XL, a couple pants in their plus sizes, and a button-down in their plus size (I have wicked big boobs). I got a 3/4-sleeve blue sweater, a lavender twinset, a patterned button-down, and a pair of khakis for work. For play-- the honeymoon, basically-- I got a long-sleeve navy boatneck t-shirt, a pair of cropped khakis, and a brown corduroy jacket (on crazy clearance).

Its amazing how much better about myself I feel in clothing that fits, that is quality, that flatters my shape instead of just covers it up.

My fiancee got home from Dallas on Saturday afternoon and is leaving first thing tomorrow morning for Japan. So, like we do most nights before a long overseas trip, we had a date night last night at Eclipse di Luna, a local tapas restaurant, with a couple friend of ours. I had sangria, dinner, and dessert-- and I'm not sorry.

friday vittles and eating better

breakfast:
1 cup coffee with 2 Tbsp sugar-free french vanilla Coffeemate - 30
1 package bite-size Quaker strawberry cereal bars - 130

lunch:
1 Lean Cuisine butternut squash ravioli - 350

snack:
1 banana - 105
1 1.15-oz package of all-natural peanut butter - 180

dinner:
1 serving (1 1/3 cup) Buitoni cheese ravioli - 317
1/2 cup Classico four-cheese spaghetti sauce - 90
2 Tbsp shredded parmesan cheese - 42
1/2 box of Green Giant steamed peas - 85

total food calories: 1,329
total exercise burned calories: 529
basal metabolic rate: 1,744
caloric deficit for the day: 944

I ran an easy 3-and-change mile double-loop in my 'hood this morning. It was cold and my calves were crampy for some reason. Maybe the cold. But, even though those 3 miles were slow, they were 3 miles in which I didn't walk at all.

At Galloway they enforce intervals-- the group I'm in right now does 30 seconds running, 30 seconds walking. Its part of this whole philosophy of injury prevention and improved recovery-- and most people (the faster groups use intervals like 3 min run/1 min walk) can actually do the same distance as fast doing intervals as they could at a steady run.

So when I do my daily runs at home, I don't enforce intervals. I run until I need a break, then I walk for a few mailboxes, then I run again. I probably walk maybe 2 - 3 times per mile, and I don't walk long, and those breaks usually happen after a significant hill.

Anyway, so even though I ran slow today, running through the hill-recoveries and such shows that my endurance has improved alot and will be good for me on my long runs.

I have a goal to run 16 times in February. Basically 4 times per week. 5 so far.